The Cavalier Daily, the well-respected and prestigious newspaper of the University of Virginia, has been on a hot-streak of opinion articles. Rumors suggest that one writer is preparing to publish another piece that’s just a little bit, um, “off”.
“We’ve hit it out of the ballpark with articles about how Trump’s vacations are actually good for the economy, and that gentrification isn’t something that’s extremely harmful to minorities,”Alan Burke, the controversial opinion writer, said. “I’ve got a lot of good topics up my sleeve.”
Some potential topics range from dismissing scientific data surrounding climate change, and that arming students with guns would prevent sexual assault from taking place on Grounds.
“I’m an intellectual, first and foremost; my favorite show is Rick & Morty. I view these issues differently than the average, significantly less intelligent person. How could anyone argue against the fact that Hillary Clinton speaking at UVa is no different than having Richard Spencer here? Oooh! Looks like I just found my idea for next week,” Burke said.
The string of poorly executed and stomach-churning op-eds garner lots of responses from readers online. While many readers express their opinions through a laugh reaction on Facebook, others opt to voice their thoughts by typing well-rounded, and articulate comments.
“I can’t tell if this is lazy writing or satire,” said one commenter.
“This argument doesn’t make any logical sense at all. You can’t just ignore scientific data!” another student stated. “Guns will stop sexual assault, really? Which John Ford film is this?”
“Do I believe in my writing? Good question. Yes. I absolutely do. I think you would have to be a fool to not believe what I am writing. I’ve backed up all my points with studies that are only about 30 years old. Of course they’re still relevant to America today!” Burke said.
Burke then paused to scribble at least 11 titles into a notepad while laughing to himself.
“As a Libertarian, I think both parties are just as bad as the other,” Burke continued. “I believe in free speech no matter what. In fact, the other week I began drafting my article about how students need to listen to white supremacists instead of protesting them, and defeat them through logical arguments. It says so in the Constitution which I will defend more passionately than the safety of my fellow students.”
At this rate, Alan might have upwards of 110 articles published by the end of the semester.
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