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5 Dead, Sad, and Scary Things Uncovered During The Clemons Library Renovation

UVA’s most intense library is getting renovated this summer! Furniture is being removed, carpets are being ripped up, and so many dead things are probably being uncovered. While no one is really surprised by the ginormous amount of death and despair that is festering in the walls of Clem, it’s still interesting to see exactly what has been dug up.

5.) Various kinds of coffee: 
Starbucks cups, paper Newcomb mugs, those cans that they sell in Croads, needles — the list of ways UVA students funnel caffeine into their bodies is never-ending. The dumpster behind Clemons has become a museum of empty coffee containers of all shapes and sizes. Rumor has it some of the Miller’s scholars are planning an artistic performance in which they strategically place the empty caffeine machines near students stuck in summer school so that they may emulate their reactions.

4.) Flyers:
For some reason, people seem to think that standing in a pathway throwing tiny pieces of paper at unwilling college kids is the best way to promote their club/concert/satanic ritual. Since UVA students are far too busy to walk to a trash can, these slips have been known to layer the floors of Clem like an extra layer of carpeting.

3.) Squirrels:
So. Many. Damn. Squirrels. Apparently, the little buggers constructed an underground tunnel system in order to maximize the number of places they could pop up on grounds, and the center was right underneath Clem. Builders found a mass squirrel burial ground just under the surface of Clem 1. It seems the term “where souls go to die” applies to more than just students.

2.) Hooded robes, candles, and masks:
These were found in a closet on the bottom floor of Clem…no one knows why they are in there. The closet also had some freaky looking symbols drawn on the wall, and when the doors were opened, a blast of cold air spread throughout the building. Suddenly, workers started hearing strange murmuring sounds. The only words they could make out were “Thomas Jefferson” and “White, Anglo-Saxon Protestant Assholes.”

1.) Hell:
It has always been a joke that Clemons library is hell, but no one knew exactly how true that was. A UVA ambassador who was patrolling one night claims that he smelled smoke from inside the blocked off doors of Clem, and, when he went to check it out, saw a bunch of demonic looking creatures singing the Good Ole Song around a painting of Jefferson that had been set on fire. The ambassador, realizing that he had no real ability to protect anyone from harm, ran away as fast as he could, but at least he made sure that a ‘Right to Know’ email was crafted.

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