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Fourth Year ‘Super Excited’ to Get Screwed by SHOTS Lottery System Again

With just a handful of days to go before the Cavaliers tip-off once again, students are feeling the buzz for the new season. Though most of the excitement is over the team itself, some students like fourth-year Sarah Yorke, are just as excited to get screwed over by SHOTS again.

“I can’t even begin to tell you how many Sabre Points I’ve accumulated so far. I had a ton last year and I didn’t get a single ticket. Going to all those tennis games has got to mean something, right?” Yorke said.

Ticket assignments are determined by the amount of Sabre Points a student has on their account, which are earned by attending other athletic events that people usually just watch during the Olympics. Since it was implemented, the SHOTS student ticketing system has done an excellent job of preventing countless UVa students from attending basketball games. 

“I don’t have anything against the tennis team; they were ACC champs back in April, but what students really want to see is the basketball team. Even my professors are excited to watch us blow our lead in the 3rd quarter!” Yorke gushed.

Even if a student has a high amount of Sabre Points, there is still no guarantee that they’ll actually receive a ticket. With basically any schmuck being awarded a ticket for some friendly game against a college no one knows; only a select few are deemed worthy enough of watching the Cavaliers play against an actual team.

“Where the actual hell is Austin Peay from? No one wants to watch that. I wanna see us against the big boys like Duke, North Carolina, and Notre Dame. My only choice is to buy a ticket from a scalper and, being a UVa student, that’s way below my standards,” said Yorke.

Many believe there is a conspiracy surrounding the SHOTS system in that it’s all meant to encourage students to attend the less popular sports at UVa. The idea is that Sabre Points will reflect a student’s passion for the school’s athletics; the more points you have, the louder you’ll be in the stands. 

“It’s obvious no one gives a real shit about baseball anymore, you know?” said one UVa baseball player in a smug response toward the “motivated” turnout of last season’s crowd. “A few seasons ago, the only people in the stands were parents, sports journalists, and old people. At least SHOTS has brought more, like, 10 extra students to our games.”

Yorke as well as many other fourth years are still hopeful to be a part of the exciting new season, but what keeps their spirits higher is knowing they’ll have the satisfaction of being screwed over one last time. The season tips off on November 10th against UNC Greensboro Spartans. Go Cavs!

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