TODAY IS THE DAY, KWEENS. Our Lord and Savior, Hillary Rodhamotherfucking Clinton is speaking at our very own Women’s Global Leadership Forum closing session. We’ll pause while you hyperventilate. She’s speaking in the middle of the afternoon, so we know what you’re thinking; that’s wayyyy too drunk to be early. Wait, we mean— oh well. In any case, it’s not too early to start the weekend, so here’s a fun drinking game to liven up Hill’s closing remarks.
What you’ll need to play:
-A fifth of whatever kind of alcohol you can drink quietly without visible wincing.
-A gut as strong as the iron fist of the woman who almost took America by storm.
-A friend to distract people nearby while you publicly drink.
How to play:
Take a sip every time Hillary…
Mentions that she’s a grandmother:
She uses this to confuse listeners who think she’s a robot or a man. She will 100% mention the fact that she is Chelsea’s mother and if you give a mouse a cookie…she’ll say she’s a grandma. She did it all over the campaign trail and talking to a room full of women will certainly not change this little device of hers.
Compliments you for being a smart woman:
She’s coming to UVa, so you know she’s going to tell you how smart and strong and independent you are. She doesn’t have to know how many classes you skipped to get in line for seats to her speech. For all she knows, you really are a smart, strong, independent woman who knows how to properly prioritize your life.
Says he whose name shall not be spoken:
This goes for all men of this moniker, but we specifically mean the clown in the White House and (in the rare case that Hillary saw Harry Potter on FreeForm last night), the Dark Lord himself.
Credits you personally for deciding the Virginia’s election results:
Not that it wasn’t us, but she’s totally gonna kiss our asses for getting out and voting first for her and then for other badass women like Danica Roem and for our shiny new governor, Ralph Northam. She’s right, we did do this, but the people in Old Cabell didn’t carry the election on our backs, but ya know it just feels so damn great when Hillary tells us we’ve done a good job.
Tries to make a joke for millennials that Bernie could have delivered better:
On a college campus, you just know she’s gonna try to pull out that tried (and failed) attempt to relate to our generation, a task that was only achieved by an 80-something year old Jewish man. We’re guessing it’ll be through the improper use of some trendy lingo. There’s always the possibility for a missed-the-mark pop culture reference. We’re really just hoping she mentions the time she was on Broad City.
Makes you well up with tears for what the country could have been:
Take a big swig then pour some out for the fallen homies (Tim Kaine).
Take a fat bong rip (borrowed from the nearest lady stoner) if Hillary…
Mentions going high when they went low:
Come on, if you’ve heard it once you’ve heard it a thousand times. They went low, Hillary, they went really fucking low, like KGB loving, bear wrestling, waist-up nude horseback low. The bar literally could not have been set any lower, so naturally the Dems went higher. She stepped over the bar. In kitten heels. It only makes sense to get high for this comment.
The game ends when:
You start drunkenly weeping because you really really really wanted a badass lady president but somehow a gameshow host took her seat. Yes, we’re still bitter about it, aren’t you?!?
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