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People You Don’t Want to See Together On Your Snap Map at 3 a.m. in Charlottesville

Snap Maps are sanctioned stalking with tiny cartoon pictures, you heard it here first. Aside from everyone’s initial reactions of “wtf, why are all my friends together without me?” there are a few other things Snap Maps have revealed to us that we’d rather not know (looking at you quasi-friend from chem lab hanging out in the middle of the Dell pond). Here are a few combinations of people and places you never want to see together in the middle of the night:

Your boyfriend and his best friend in the Helms Theatre:
You’ve spent months convincing your friends and family that Sam doesn’t bat for the other team, and now you realize he just doesn’t understand baseball terminology and has definitely been using you as a beard while he and his “totally platonic gay BFF” (TPGBFF) get it on in the drama building. You want to be mad, but the UVa student in you is too focused on supporting his rights to yell at him for cheating on you.

A UVa police officer and your sorority sister at Trin:
Shit. Elizabeth is about to get arrested again. It’s the third time this month and as Risk Management chair you not only have to be the one that goes and bails her sorry ass out, but you also have to give her the “you need to get your life together” talk.

All of your classmates at Clem:
If every single person in your Anthropology of Sub-Saharan African Tribes class is currently at the library and you’re not, then you either forgot about that essay/exam/project due tomorrow, or you’ve just given up hope. Either way, your classmates will certainly be shocked when you walk in the doors of Maury 209 in the morning. They thought you’d died last night. Why else wouldn’t you be cramming it up in the new Clem 2?

Your roommate and her out-of-state boyfriend in your dorm:
Snap Maps are the new sock on the door handle. Doesn’t look like you’ll be going home tonight, or even tomorrow night really. In fact, just plan an alternate sleeping location until Sunday when the boy finally packs up his bag and leaves, granting you access to the dorm you spent way too much money on. He only comes in town once every three months and your roomie always feels like she “owes you one”. Use this to your advantage and cash in the sexile card for as many hookups as your heart desires.

An a capella singer, two sorority girls, and a guy who spends all his free time at Madison House congregated outside of Cocke Hall:
They’re already out there staking their claims on the best spots to harass passersby with flyers. With a wild, desperate look in their eyes, they refuse to stop until every single colorful slip of paper is stuffed into the side pocket of your backpack. Those poor first years will stumble directly into their traps.

Your hot TA and your best friend in the Stacks:
Casey will do literally anything (or anyone) to get an A in this class, and the professor doesn’t take bribes. Now you have to listen to her brag for the rest of the semester about her conquest. At least you’ll get a good grade on the final.

Teresa Sullivan and Dean Groves on the Lawn:
You know T-Sully is gonna streak the Lawn before she leaves UVa, and you do not wanna see it.

Be cool, be cool:

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