Every college kid who goes home for the summer does so with the best intentions. They swear they are finally going to read a book or get in shape or learn a new skill. And while some students actually do manage to do productive things with their time off, most of us just end up screwing around for three months. As a person living in Memphis, screwing around instead of being productive is incredibly easy. Here are some of the best places to waste your summer at home in Memphis.
6.) Jerry’s Sno Cones:
If you told someone in any other city that your favorite dessert place was right by one of the worst neighborhoods in the city, had about a 30 minute wait time no matter when you got there, was cash only, and only sold sno cones, they’d think you were crazy. Yet Jerry’s is regularly called a ‘must try’ Memphis location. Waiting for your order will take most of the afternoon and make you hot and sweaty, and then when you finally get your sno cone you will almost immediately fall into a food coma, preventing you from having to do anything else for the rest of the day.
5.) The Memphis Zoo (especially on Tuesdays):
Where do you go when you want to spend hours listening to screaming children and sweating your ass off? Well, since Disney World is an unfortunate 13 hours drive, we settle for the Memphis Zoo. This is one of those places that seems like a good idea until you get out of your car and remember that 1.) it smells awful, 2.) the animals all hide in their damn ‘realistic’ habitats, making it impossible to see anything other than the farm animals and the fish, and 3.) you stopped getting excited by elephants and tigers when you were 5 years old. But hey, the Instagram pics will be amazing and your friends with internships and jobs will be insanely jealous.
4.) The museums:
This one is inching into dangerous ‘productive’ territory with the idea that you may actually learn something, but can it really be considered productive when what you learn is that Elvis Presley had a giant house and horrible decorating skills? With two of our ‘museums’ being rich people’s houses (Graceland and The Pink Palace) and at least four of them being about blues music (Stax, Rock n Soul, Sun Studio, Blues Hall of Fame, and probably like 20 more), it’s a pretty safe bet to say the only thing anyone will be learning is that literally everything has a museum.
3.) The Walmart in Collierville:
Ever wondered how a city in the Tennessee lacks the rednecks that ruin Southern charm? That’s because they all live in the suburbs of Memphis, and their congregation point is the Walmart. Play a drinking game where you take a shot every time you see a farmer’s tan and you will be wasted faster than a freshman at a frat house.
2.) Cook Out:
As a college student, there is almost a 100% chance you have a Cook Out near your school, and that you frequent it more than you will ever admit. Keep that streak of bad decisions going and drive to Cook Out at 2 a.m. You may regret it more since you are eating alone in your car and you’re sober, but at least it’s something.
1.) The Bass Pro Shop Pyramid:
When people ask what Memphis is like, only respond by describing this exquisite place. Not only is it a giant-ass fishing store in a glass pyramid, but it is also a giant-ass fishing store with a hotel, restaurant, and bowling alley inside. People take their prom photos here. It is the physical embodiment of white trash, and there is no better way to spend an afternoon.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: