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Report: UVa Is Virginia’s Football School Now

Since its founding in 1819, the University of Virginia has been called many things like “pompous”, “overrated,” “soft,” “just fulla’ spoiled rich children,” and “still better than Duke at basketball.” That being said, UVa football has never warranted the university the opportunity to be called a “football school.”

This past weekend UVa beat Louisville, a team considered to be “pretty good” according to the father of one student who has never watched football, while Virginia Tech lost to Old Dominion University in one of the biggest upsets in sports history. Because of these events, UVa is now regarded as Virginia’s one, and only football school.

UVa students everywhere are celebrating the fact that they’re no longer the only Virginia school to monumentally fuck up in sports.

“Yeah, Tech’s loss was so bad, they actually dismissed one of their players for not playing well enough,” said UVa sophomore Aaron Camps. “I just can’t believe this all happened so fast, I thought I’d graduate only seeing us win a handful of games. But now, LET’S GOOOO BOYS!”

“I’d pretty much accepted the fact that our school just isn’t cut out for things like football,” said another student, Amy Blakes. “That’s why the stadium looks post-apocalyptic after halftime, but not anymore baybeeee.”

Considering UVa is absolutely amazing at giving its students hope and then yanking it away (see Hurricane Florence, NCAA Tournament of 2018, and the Future concert), this sense of superiority may be fleeting though students have decided to stand in solidarity and ride it out until they lose a game next week.

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