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To the Sautéed Mushrooms at O’Hill That Gave Me Diarrhea

I walked into the dining hall at Observatory Hill, and that’s I saw you. It was love at first sight. Your delicious aroma wafted in the air, carrying me further towards you. I wanted you. You wanted me. We enjoyed several good months together. You became my comfort food, my go-to when I was having a rotten day and needed a pick-me-up. It was bliss.

That is, until you betrayed me. You broke my heart asshole and left me stranded.

We were in perfect harmony for an hour as I delightfully gobbled you down. That all changed as you made your way through my digestive system. Soon, I found myself locked in my bathroom, tears streaming down my face as I cursed your name. Why did you do this do me? What did I do to deserve this kind of punishment? I’d glanced at the crispy chicken sandwich and I was even momentarily tempted by the kimchi fried rice, but I remained faithful to you, my true love. You were going to be the perfect dinner, no, you were the perfect dinner.

I’d heard the stories of O’Hill giving everybody a nasty case of the shits, but I never expected you to be the one to do me in. I have regrets; you are a fungus after all. I should’ve known better.

You played me, honey, you played me. You stayed nestled in the O’Hill dining hall while my roommates asked me if I was okay from beneath the stall door. I told them I was, but we all knew it was a brutal lie.

Where do we go from here? Can we repair our relationship? How can I earn back your trust?

I don’t want to be played for a fool, but I know I’ll come crawling back to you. What can I do? It’s fruitless to resist your mouthwatering temptation. I’d suggest that we see other people, but the other foods aren’t nearly as tasty as you, but baby, you’re killing me (and my insides).

Dear sautéed mushrooms, please, let’s get back to where we were. Help me relive those days when I was just a spunky first-year who was ready to take the world on storm and not the unmotivated and diarrhea-ridden fourth-year I am now because of you.

I love you, my one true mushroom love.

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