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Shit at UVa You’re Just Too Old For

There comes a time in everyone’s college career (assuming they’re a normal functioning human with anything other than a bionic liver) where you think: “goddamn, I’m way too fucking old for this shit.” It may not have happened to you yet, and if it hasn’t you’re a lucky youngen’. Here’s some shit you’re too old for at this point in the game:

5.) Jumping the fence at Coupe’s:
Jumping the fence is some shit you’re too old for for a number of reasons. First off, jumping the fence is for people with shitty fake IDs, or people who hooked up with the bouncer once. Ya got desperation written all over ya gd face. Secondly, jumping that fence isn’t exactly the work of a fourth year, just admit that you’re not as nimble as you were when you walked up the steps of Old Dorms every. fucking. day. of. your. life.

4.) Eating in O’Hill:
There’s a certain smell. A smell that smells…smelly. No, it’s not anchovies invading the Krusty Krab, it’s the inevitable onion smell that everyone who walks out of O’Hill oozes from their pores. We’re not even sure if everything O’Hill cooks has onions in it, but it must because there’s no escaping the dining hall without a serious case of faux-B.O. It’s time to be an adult and start eating at the classier joints on Grounds, like the Range.

3.) Attending UPC events:
If our statistical research is correct (and by statistical we mean purely anecdotal and based on a very limited perspective), then it doesn’t seem like UPC events were ever that crowded. But by the time you’re an upperclassmen you’re definitely too old for that shit. It’s just too wholesome and you’re at the point in your life between wholesome first year glee and wholesome young parent glory, I think they call it early-onset cynicism.

2.) Paying with Plus Dollars:
Whip out your wallet, grandpa! If you’re still paying for your shit with Plus Dollars that means a.) you have a meal plan and what the fuck is up with that? and b.) you’re definitely broke and after being in college for four years you should know by now you have to save all the money you make in the summer to feed yourself all year without the tax-free embarrassment-full currency that is Plus Dollars. Just don’t do it, you’re too old for that shit.

1.) Going to Tuesday’s Pint Night, Wednesday’s trivia, Thursday’s Survivor Hour, Friday’s frats, and Saturday’s bars EVERY WEEK:
We didn’t mention Sunday’s boozy brunch because as we all know, you’re never too old for that. This shit is a fucking marathon and leaves you only two NIGHTS out of the week not to be going out. How the fuck did we do this when we were first years? Did we not have homework? Did we not have morals? We certainly didn’t have hangovers this bad, right?. Every night is a great night to drink, don’t get us wrong, but never missing one of these nights leaves us ragged at this achey old age of 22.

We wish you and your aching bones all the best, and hope you’re able to make it through the rest of the school year without crippling over in age. 

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