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The 9 Cs to End of Virginia’a Basketball Season


Hoos everywhere are still in shambles over our loss to Syracuse. Basketball players have returned to Grounds and can be seen somberly walking from class to class, and the rest of us plebs just Michael Jordan cry face right at ’em. If you’re having trouble moving on, our nine Cs for recovering from the trauma should help you out:


9.) Cry:

Get all of the tears out of your system before trying to move on. You will not enjoy any distractions until the waterworks have happened.


8.) Creep:

Go to Virginia Men’s Basketball’s Facebook page and scroll through all the pictures of Malcolm, AG, Tobey, Nolte, Caid, and, of course, Tony Bennett. You might not be able to see their faces on Boylan’s big screens anymore, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get to stare at their beautiful faces on occasion.


7.) Christian’s:

Get drunk and eat lots of pizza. Drinking the pain away is always the best option if you can’t seem to cry it all out. If you’re lucky, you’ll see the team out partying, too.


6.) Catch-Up:

At least you have more time to spend on your schoolwork now. Basketball games were pretty long, and a fantastic excuse as to why you turned in that assignment late or forgot to show up for your midterms. Professors probably totally understood seeing how they were just as invested in the tournament.


5.) Cook:

You no longer “have” to go out to eat somewhere to watch the game. No one wants to pay for cable around here, so The Corner restaurants made a fortune off of March Madness. Spend some time in your own kitchen. There’s no need to let all that ramen go to waste; it tastes better when you add a dash of depression anyway.


4.) Cleanse:

You weren’t just eating out a lot for the games; you were getting white girl wasted to help your heart handle the Cardiac Cavs. Maybe now you can give your body a break if you don’t want to go the drunk Christian’s Pizza route. As a disclaimer, though: it doesn’t taste nearly as good while sober.


3.) Challenge:

If you’re not the best at letting things go until next season, you could always head to the Final Four games this weekend and confront the referees and that one school with the fruit as its mascot. Tell them how the Hoos were robbed and we’re ready for a rematch to decide who really deserves the title of National Champion.


2.) Collect:

Go around and collect all of your bracket money from all the people who don’t know anything about basketball. All those girls who picked teams based off of school colors haven’t actually been keeping up with the tournament. You could easily convince them the Hoos have already won the whole thing, and then you’ll just rake in the dough you blew on liquor to recover.


1.) Cheer Up:

This Final Four opportunity may have slipped right through our fingertips this time, but Tony Bennett said, “Joy will come.” Tony is never wrong; if he says to be joyous, you better be frickin joyous. It’s never too early to start getting pumped to do it all over again next year.

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