Charlottesville, UVa is a place that does things backwards. How are so many kids so smart when they’re drunk 95% of the time? That is obviously jealousy speaking, because everyone wishes they had such an impressive talent. Pint Night is when all the kids go get schwasted for only a couple of bucks per beer, and then somehow manage to make it to class the next morning. For all of you people that haven’t mastered the art of balancing your studies while drunk, we went to Pint Night to show you what it’s all about:
This is the massive sea of people you will have to fight to get through, but for $2 beer it’s well-worth the hassle. Prepare yourself to get a lot of beer spilled on you along the way. And once you make it from the bar back to your table, don’t be surprised if you look down and half of your beer is already gone.
Plot twist: you were spilling your own beer on yourself the whole time.
CAUTION: Wet floor. Always. Pint Night is the one place where it is appropriate to wear rain boots even when it isn’t raining outside. If you want to avoid ruining your outfit like the hypothetical being mentioned above, then bring the rain coat too. Everyone is too drunk to think about what you’re wearing anyway.
Whoops. Spoke too soon. Everyone WILL remember what you’re wearing if you take selfies with your beer all night to record your every move. Here we have a girl in her natural habitat, Barbour jacket and all. That beer mug’s cheeks were starting to hurt by the time you finally got the perfect, Insta-worthy shot.
TIP: Seats are a hot commodity on Pint Night — do your best to try to save them. And by your best, that means the opposite of what this guy tried. A beer list. On Pint Night. A drunk kid quickly snatched that up to see what he wanted to order next. I proceeded to sit in the then un-saved seat. Guy was not amused.
Here is another example of people that are not amused. This guy is really questioning his life, like most Pint Night attendees the next morning. Poor old guy just wanted to get a beer after a long day of work. He got there early, snagged a really good spot at the bar, and began to rid himself of the day’s stresses. When it was time to leave, he realized he was screwed. He couldn’t get out of his chair and fight the crowd, so he had to stay and keep drinking. He ended up the drunkest person in the whole place.
The end of the night rolled around and these two girls were truly disappointed about how sober they still were. Her face says, “Um can we get some service around here?!” Well, you’ll have to fight for the bartender’s attention just like the rest of the crazies. If you want to do Pint Night right, then you have to be aggressive and assert your dominance. Prove to the bartenders that you deserve alcohol more than anyone else. This, my friends, is a picture of how to do Pint Night very very wrong.
Once Pint Night is finally over, you have a couple of choices: 1.) You can go home and try to get your life together before your class at 9a.m.; or 2.) Say fuqqit and make an entire night of the whole thing. There’s no shame in going to Trinity afterwards as a fourth year if you have Pint Night to blame for forcing you to go there.