Once upon a midnight dreary, Edgar Allan Poe left UVA for the “real world.” Next thing you know, he’s dead. Here are some tips on how to be more like him!
5.) “Fourth Year Fuck It” is a valid excuse for everything:
Yeah, bet you never realized the Raven in Poe bro’s most notorious poem was really just a fourth year choosing to do their school work “nevermore.” Honestly, if you are still trying your fourth year, then you’re doing it wrong. Hell, Ed didn’t even make it that far. He gave up so hard, he left!
4.) College kids can’t be alcoholics:
Poe was notorious for his drinking skills, and nobody had any problems with it while he was at UVA. Then, as soon as he hit the real world, suddenly his talent turned into a “problem.” So drink up while you can kids, cause apparently, it’s weird to get drunk on a Wednesday when you’re an adult!
3.) Don’t take more than 12 credits:
Why go to college for classes when you can go for extracurriculars? Follow in the footsteps of Eddy Boi and only go to class for two hours. Total. Spend the rest of the day writing creepy poetry that will only make you famous after your death!
2.) You don’t need a job right away to succeed:
Mister E.A.P. is a perfect example of this! He once sold his most famous work for $9, and now UVA sells t-shirts of that same poem for $25! Sure, Ed Poe had to wait till after death to reach the level of success he desired, but hey, live fast die young am I right?
1.) You can always drop out:
Class seems hard? Drop out. Relationship getting too emotional? Drop out. Gambling addiction getting out of hand causing you to lose all of the money you had for school because your asshole stepfather won’t help fund your education? Drop the fuck out. UVA won’t care if you don’t graduate as long as you’re still successful! They’ll claim you years after you leave, and maybe even take a perfectly useful dorm room that you didn’t even live in and memorialize it for you!
So fourth years, as you embark on your final days at the University of Virginia, remember these wise words spoken (mostly) by Edgar Allan Poe: “Fuck this shit, I am out.”
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