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How Would Jefferson Celebrate His 273rd Birthday?

 

Today is a very special day on Grounds. It was on this day, April 13th, 273 years ago that the patron saint of Wahoos was born, our beloved Thomas Jefferson. We’re sure back in his day the man knew how to party – have you seen his house? – but ain’t no party like a 2016 party. So if Tommy Boy decided to come back from the grave today and turn up at the esteemed college he created, what would it look like?

 

First Stop: Pregame in a Lawn Room

Thomas Jefferson would go full traditional for his birthday, which omits pregaming at Grandmarc and the like. TJ would start off his night with a raging pregame à la Lighting of the Lawn to keep the party central open to anyone wandering around the ol’ Academical Village.  Drinks would include Old Fashioneds, lots of whiskey and ale, and undoubtedly someone would bring Burnett’s. After getting a good buzz and stumbling along a slackline, TJ would take to the streets for his first party.

 

Second Stop: A Peek at “Greek”

Despite it being a Wednesday, Wahoos have no qualms against partying for any occasion, and what better than our deity’s birthday? Jeff would likely take a stroll down Rugby to check out what’s going on with all the organizations of esteemed men brought together by the spirit of brotherhood blah blah blah. But instead what TJ would find is the height of Hell Week, so instead of a keg stand Jefferson would likely join in on a little “harmless” pledging fun and maybe dunk a first year or two in a kiddie pool of vomit. Who knows where the night will take him? But a handle for the road is all he needs to get him drunk enough for his next stop.

 

Third Stop: A Trip to Trin

Though they got rowdy in TJ’s day, there’s no way they partied anything like this. The music is slightly different, the lights are crazier than the lanterns he’s used to, and molly was a thing of the distant future, but he would undoubtedly enjoy being twerked on by a second year. It would be easy to say that he’d be overwhelmed and stay on the first floor, but for Tommy’s birthday it’s a “third floor shots on the house” kind of night.

 

Fourth Stop: White Spot

All that dancing would have our founder tired and hungry, so before turning in, Tom would make a pit stop at White Spot for a quick Gus Burger and Grillswith. We’d like to say that the owner would give it to him for free since it’s his birthday and, you know, he’s Thomas Jefferson, but unfortunately TJ’s lack of Tn’A disqualify him from that, so it looks like this meal’s coming straight outta pocket. Sorry, Tommy, but no picture on the wall either, you’re just not cute enough. But that fried egg on top of your burger just might give him enough energy to finish off his birthday like anyone at school here should…

 

Last Stop: Streaking the Lawn

There is absolutely no way that Jefferson’s night could conclude here without a nice nude jog across his Academical Village. Though it would definitely take him a minute or two to strip out of his petticoat and pantaloons, we can imagine that his trip down the Lawn would be well worth the wait as he took in all his beloved pavilions and drunken students carrying on in their rooms. The spotlights cast on him wouldn’t phase him one bit; the man knew how to suck all the oxygen out of a room and certainly wasn’t shy. Also, if you’re wearing a powdered wig while streaking, does it really count as being naked? Goodnight Mr. Jeff MOTHERFUCKERS, IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!

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