For the first time in 23 years, the University of Virginia Cavaliers beat the Duke Blue Devils last Saturday on their gd own court. And yes, we’re still talking about it. This defeat has many Dukies questioning why they chose to go to a second rate university when the University of Virginia exists. They’re also questioning why their nickname makes them sound like a piece of shit (literally). Never fear you little Blue Devils, The Black Sheep is here to save you from hell and carry you to the angelic lawn of Mr. Thomas Jefferson.
Trade out your ‘Duke blue’ for a less gaudy navy:
While us Wahoos technically have two colors, navy and orange, we tend to pretend the orange is just an accent color (just like you guys pretend that Durham is a fun place to live!). Give up that ugly bright blue t-shirt that’s just embarrassing after Saturday, and throw on a nice navy sweater with an orange bowtie or a nice navy blue dress with some pearls. You’ll still look like a rich, white kid, but now you’ll be a rich, white kid from a school with a #1 ranked basketball team. HA!
Memorize the “Good Ole Song”:
Ya know, the one that we all sang after we crushed you, your little balls, and all your spirits? It’s to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne”, and we sing it literally anytime we’re feelin’ jazzed. Got the first spot in line at the Dumpling Cart? Song time! Having an undefeated league play season in basketball? You know what to sing! If you need to practice it, just rewatch the last seven seconds of the game, bite your tongue, and hum along while your newly minted Cavalier heart swells with pride.
Start bitching about Virginia Tech:
Just like the “Good Ole Song”, bitching about Tech is a UVa tradition. Sure, they may be better at football than us and have like, stupid legendary chicken parm or something, but we have a UNESCO World Heritage site and our founder was a fucking president. Think of Tech as your new UNC, and just think happy thoughts of trash and gremlins while you talk about them.
Learn the lingo:
This one’s important, as you will be met with the world’s worst death glare with any slip of the tongue. We’re too prestigious to have a campus with freshmen and sophomores. No, we have Grounds (always said with ‘I’m better than you’ accent) and first through fourth years (just as a reminder that we know how to count). Students and professors here are very, very attached to these words and will definitely yell at you if you mess up.
Fill out a transfer application and pray:
Let’s face it, there is a pretty decent chance that you won’t actually be able to get into UVa. After all, why would any student who was granted access to our hallowed Grounds choose instead to go to Duke? As you’ve probably realized by now, we are the superior university and as such we are highly selective and don’t really want you anyway.
Start making sacrifices to Thomas Jefferson now, and maybe you’ll be lucky enough to actually join us at University of Virginia. If not, there’s always football season. Oh, wait.
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