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UVa Majors as Winter Olympic Sports

The Winter Olympics are finally here, giving us another excuse to drink and pretend like we care about mustached men from Canada throwing heavy rocks down a long stretches of ice. But we’re not thinking about that guy. What we’re really wondering is which UVa majors coincide with each Olympic sport?

Commerce — Ice Skating:
Ice Skating is the Winter Olympics claim to fame, the belle of the ball, the one sport most people want to watch. There’s an unnecessary amount of hype surrounding it, and most of the people participating look like they’re wayyyy too good for you. Exactly like Commies! Plus, everyone gets a kick when they fall on their asses.

Batten — Freestyle Skiing:
Aww poor skiing, they think they’re cooler than they are. They long to be as popular as ice skating, and don’t notice that very few people actually give a shit about them. Much like with the Batten major, no one cares enough to ask what really goes on in this event.

Art/Drama/Music/Dance — Curling:
You shit talk it and think that whatever you’re doing in terms of athletics is way more difficult, but you still watch in silent awe as the curlers brush those giant hockey pucks down the ice. Much like the entire arts department at UVa, this sport is only looked down upon by those who’ve never seen it in action.

Math and Physics — Cross-Country Skiing:
They both look long, hard, and boring. No one really wants to do either of these things, but they stick with it for the prize at the end of the suffering: a gold metal or a $200,000 starting salary.

Engineering and Architecture — Ice Hockey:
Similar to this extremely violent, angry sport, you have to be tough to make it out of these schools alive. Their curriculum will break you faster than a body slam on the side of a rink. Make sure to wear a helmet.

Luge/Skelton/Bobsleigh — Health Sciences:
Not really sure which one is which because they all kind of blend together in the end.

According to the rule of popularity both in the Olympics and at UVa, if you’re not listed above you’re not important enough to be mentioned. Sure, you work hard and put in just as much effort as the ice skaters, but doesn’t matter, and your accomplishments are going to go unnoticed.

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