In the final stretch of his college career, it was revealed Monday night that fourth-year Chad Walker, an economics major, has bravely taken on a whopping 69 credit hours for the semester in order to actually be able to graduate in May.
After taking a meager 6 credit hours per semester his entire college career and yet still weaseling his way into being listed as a full-time student, Walker’s reasoning for taking what seems to be an “impossible” number of classes–23 classes in all–was to ensure that he would be able to walk at graduation with his closest peers.
With the addition of 21 classes onto his usual workload, Walker admits that he’s been struggling with the newfound responsibilities of being an actual student that has goals.
“It’s tough shit, man,” Walker said. “I really wish that thing Hermoine had in the third Harry Potter movie was real.”
For Walker, the pain and reality of actually having work to do — and actually doing it — hit him hard when he entered Alderman for the first time and witnessed the horror that he had successfully avoided for three and a half years straight: work.
“It’s a sad place for sure, so it’s no wonder I never went in there before voluntarily,” Walker casually admitted. “There’s always a shit ton of grease on the computer keyboards. I feel like I’m dipping my fingers in fucking olive oil every time I type.”
Despite Walker’s first-time experience in Alderman, he assured us that he’s definitely no library virgin.
“I have been to the Rotunda before, so it’s not like I’ve never been to the library,” Walker scoffed. “But that was awhile ago, on my campus tour my senior year of high school I think.”
Chad Walker’s desire to set an example to other students that “If you can dream it, you can do it,” isn’t entirely for the benefit of his colleagues. Walker admitted that since all of his “buddies” were graduating and getting jobs outside of Charlottesville, he thought that it would be a good time to graduate.
While Walker’s friends know him as the lovable and lazy-ass fuck he is, his parents recently told The Black Sheep that they were proud of their son and the hard work he’s put in the last seven semesters.
“Our Chad is such a hard worker,” Chad’s mother, Denise Walker, gushed. “My little boy is going to change the world. Did you know that he’s been on the Dean’s List for good grades every semester? I can’t even imagine all of the hours he’s been putting in these last couple years.”
Recalling his academic time at UVa, Walker counted in chocolate science, beer science, and being on the intramural soccer team as some of his favorite parts of academia and learning, and said that he regarded Cardale Jones as his main role model for motivation.
When asked about his plans for after graduation, Walker was quite confident in his answer.
“My frat brother Joey’s got an uncle who works at Wendy’s so we’re pretty much set, the only thing is I need to have a diploma,” Walker said smiling. “It’s gonna be like the last 3 ½ years for life, man!”
At press time, Walker’s adviser in the College of Arts and Sciences had refused to comment.
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