Recently, students received an extremely informal email from our dear President Teresa Sullivan –no really, it was 3 lines long, had no letterhead, and was practically in Comic Sans MS– asking students to suggest projects in which to invest the notorious Strategic Investment Fund. If you haven’t been following one of UVA’s latest PR scandals, here’s a brief rundown:
Former Rector Helen Dragas wrote an op-ed for the Washington Post calling out our admins for keeping a modest $2.3 billion “slush fund” instead of returning some of this money to Wahoo families by way of lower tuition. This, naturally, became a PR shit storm for our school who hasn’t always had the best luck with keeping under the national radar, and we were audited by the state.
Now this is where we come in. After being dragged through the mud by arch-nemesis Dragas, T-Sully is turning to the student body in the most informal and aesthetically displeasing email she has ever sent (seriously, we looked for the “sent from my iPhone” signature at the bottom), looking for our suggestions of “transformational projects” to drop a few billion dollars on. Here are 10 ideas, Sully.
10.) Better Food:
We would never go as far as to say that we wanted food like our V-Turkey rivals out in the hills, but we would go as far as to say something a little better than theirs would be welcome to grace the counters of Newcomb. With $2.3 billion, it could be steak and lobster every night, or you know, at least Chick-fil-A breakfast.
9.) Less Treacherous Grounds on Grounds:
It’s totally understandable that the old-ass bricks that pave the way around here are important both for their age and all the prestigious, successful feet that have walked on them blah blah blah. In the end though, they’re old and a smidge uneven and it causes all of us to bust our asses while sober and not-so-much. Check out this graph on the number of injuries sustained from these bricks.
8.) UVA Outlet Mall:
Almost like a Wahoo Walmart but with way better shit. We’re constantly faced with the problem of there being no good shopping around here, but you know what would give us all a great little pick-me-up? An outlet mall on Grounds. Featuring Hunter, Nike, Vineyard Vines, Sperry’s, Loft and LL Bean outlets just to name a few, we would never have to leave the UVA bubble to all dress the exact same.
This request seems simple and like it wouldn’t use the entire budget, but that really depends on the quality of said escalators. This school is built on crushed dreams and a lot of hills, and our little calves just can’t take it anymore. While you’re at it, those moving airport sidewalks wouldn’t be a bad idea either; the walks to class are pretty far.
6.) Cool Guests:
The money would be well spent if we booked some good talent on Grounds. With a budget this big, we could be getting famous authors, scientists, politicians, artists and more to come to Grounds even more than they already do. Imagine if JPJ was hosting the concerts it does for us instead of for the public and if the amphitheater was filled with more than just the occasional batshit preacher man telling us we’re going to Hell.
5.) Hire More Professors:
This may seem obvious, and we may not understand the logistics of how this works, but when there are intro level classes so packed that you can’t get into them until your third year, it seems like there may be some kind of flaw in the system. If there were just a few more professors to teach these classes, it seems like everyone’s lives would be a little easier.
4.) Hosting the Olympics:
It seems as though it isn’t that tough to get permission to host the Olympics (see previous two hosts Rio and Sochi) so why not us? The recent crimes around Grounds clearly won’t be a deterrent to the IOC and since we’ve sent a few Olympians out into the world already, we’re pretty well-suited to host. Plus, the tourism money alone is enough to restock the slush fund, plus some.
3.) Buy John Madden out of Retirement:
We need him, he needs things to do outside the retirement home, it’s a win-win, something our football team isn’t used to. On top of bringing in some much needed coaching skills, the prestige alone would propel our football program far and beyond that of any other school and the games would serve as more than a tailgate venue followed by prayers to sing the “Good Ol’ Song” at least once.
2.) Buy Tech, Make Bounce House:
You know what this state is missing? A giant bounce house admissible only by UVA student ID. You know what this state isn’t missing? Underachieving state schools. We see this as the perfect opportunity to spend the slush fund: buy Tech, make shit bouncy, use it for fun. But don’t worry stray Hokies reading this article, we have a plan for you too, someone has to operate the equipment.
1.) Lower Tuition:
While this seems like the most practical suggestion of the list, somehow this seems to be the most far fetched when it comes to these propositions coming true. But if you really feel like this is important or you have an even better idea for how the Strategic Investment Fund should be spent, email T Sully and tell her what you think. Don’t worry about proofreading, a formal greeting or sign-off, or even erasing that it was sent from your iPhone. T Sully don’t care.
This one’s for all of you who’ve been duct taped inside a porta-potty: