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If UVa’s Homecoming Was Anything Like High School…

Because let’s face it: it sure as hell isn’t. There are a lot of things we can credit UVA for, and one of those is being just like college in the movies. The campus (forgive me father, for I have sinned) is red brick and columns, the parties rage with the likes of Animal House, and the libraries are filled with beautiful, preppy students trying to learn. Basically, we are a model place for what college should look like according to every movie about higher education. Where we fall flat? Homecomings, which for some reason here, we have made plural as if we’re doubly excited.

Clearly, we are not. Homecomings isn’t even as exciting as it was in high school where our parties included actual 15-year-olds. If we had any say, and we obviously hold a lot of clout ‘round these parts, we’d make Homecomings every bit as lit as it was when we still had lockers, and here’s how:


5.) There would be a pep rally:

Don’t you miss these? While a UVA pep rally wouldn’t likely be an all-out riot amongst the four classes in a little gym on shaky bleachers (were yours not like this?) we could get down. Dean Groves would MC the event, as he is the cheeriest and most beloved on Grounds, and we’d all yell and cheer for our football team who would WIN the homecoming game. That’s right, we said it, win.


4.) There would be parade:

As if UVA doesn’t already own most of the streets around this part of Charlottesville anyway. Our parade route would be a simple stroll down the Corner, snake down McCormick past all the First Years all snug in their dorms, and culminate at Scott. Wheelie Kid would lead the one-wheeled affair, followed by our cheerleaders flipping their way down University, and Teresa Sullivan would be carried on a litter (the couch things royal people ride carried by servants) by Helen Dragas and friends like the queen she is.


3.) We would win the game:

We meant it. The game would be a night game, like they always are in high school and in movies about intense school rivalry games, there would be a slight chill in the air, like enough that you wear a blue and orange striped scarf and you don’t just sneak in a flask, you sneak in a flask with a hot toddy in it. People’s chests would be painted, pom poms would be present. The game would be close, we’d have to fight (we can’t get too unreal here, it wouldn’t be a runaway) and then we would come up victorious!


2.) There would be Homecomings King and Queen:

No high school-esque celebration is complete without making two already really popular people even more popular. During halftime of the game, after a killer performance by some acapella group we’re all sick of hearing, our dear president would stand before us and crown a beautiful set of Greek hotties Homecomings King and Queen. Then they would twerk to a 90s slow dance song because this is 2016 and we know what real life is like.


1.) There would be a dance:

To top off the whole shindig, Trin would host our Homecomings dance. It would be just like the real thing: spiked bowls of punch, corsages, blacking out and throwing up on your friends’ sequined dress. Professors would chaperone to make sure no one gets too out of hand, but as we know from past experiences, they never watch the bathrooms or probably the third floor.


Just like the leaves on trees or the srat stars’ skin, coffee in Starbucks cups nation wide is turning orange this month?




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