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Western Michigan

Bro, Do You Even Row Here?

Western Michigan University merchandise is sold everywhere in Kalamazoo. Even Wal-Mart has its own two aisles strictly dedicated to the Broncos. Anything wearable, magnetic, or lanyardy is available in WMU flavor — that delicious blend of brown, black and gold with, like, horses and shit.

And that’s why the multitudes of other gear sported at Western are a startling thing to see. It’s weird that so many students walk from hall to hall wearing State garb, maize and blue and even – sometimes – Crimson Tide.

Why is this acceptable at Western? Don’t we want to support our University? Defend our education? Highlight our prestige? Defeat our enemies?

The Black Sheep took its very own shot at these tough questions, and what we came up with is almost mind-blowing.

Why, God? Why do they do it?

It’s the most important question really. A simple word children say and can never overuse; why?

Why? Why?

The answer’s just as simple. WMU students who wear U of M, Michigan State, or Oregon gear are either bitter, or stupid; and in many cases, both.

But I’ve been a diehard Michigan fan for years, before I was even accepted to Western.

Your ignorance is legendary.  Sport is the most common, and by far, weakest excuse. 

For starters, you belong to a university– a Division I entity with its own athletic department, and various teams that compete. Annually. Every season. Always.

Putting on a Michigan shirt is not the same thing as putting on a Tom Brady jersey. No one pays thousands of dollars to the Patriots to get a degree to get a career. No matter how many times a fan might say “we” when describing the New England Patriots’ last win, they were not a part of it. 

 This is not the case with universities. When you are accepted into a college and enrolled in its classes, you are by default, a player. A Bronco, Wolverine, Chippewa, or Spartan. You have an actual effect on the world around you, and that’s why you can get academically probated here– to keep you from fucking up the university’s shit.

You’re saying, “Albeit I am not a Wolverine, I esteem the success of their football program over my education and future.”

“I see no problem with this, because I am very stupid.”

But I couldn’t get into U of M or State, my grades were too low and I’m only here at Western for my undergrad.

You couldn’t get into State? Nah, you just didn’t want to fill out the essay portion of the application, you lazy shit liar.

But okay, your father, and his father, both went to State. And your older brother is there now. Our question to you is: so what

Why would you want to be a cookie-cutter, drum-marching pussy? Blaze your own trail, script your own story, be the family . . . black sheep.

But I’m here at WMU to earn a P.H.D; I’m wearing this hat because the University of Nebraska is where I got my master’s.

So, you are pursing higher learning at WMU? And you’ve already earned another prestigious degree elsewhere?


And your hat represents that effort and opportunity?


I see no problem here. Carry on, sir.

School-spirit? Come on, that is so immature. I’m in college, not junior high.

Exactly. Wench.

College is the only time that school spirit actually matters. Consider this: university apparel is a type of advertising. Whenever you go out in your Rutgers cut-off, you are promoting the school. And where do you think the proceeds from these clothing purchases go? Not to Endor, you clueless wookie.

If you want your economics professor to have a finer grasp of the English language, or maybe your campus weight room to have one more bench press, then start by purchasing your own university’s apparel. It’s not going to immediately affect your college’s standard of living, if at all, but why risk benefiting someone else at your own expense?

But my school is so small, I can’t find any gear.

Alright bro. Listen here and listen good. T-shirts, sweatpants, and gym shorts are not difficult things to find. The apparel abounds.

As Young Joc would say, “On campus, in the mall, in the trap.” 

“It’s goin down.”

Just like the leaves on trees or the srat stars’ skin, coffee in Starbucks cups nation wide is turning orange this month?




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