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CMU Football Coach ‘Sexually Attracted’ to Victory Cannon, Insiders Say

Anyone familiar with the famous Central-Western rivalry knows that the winner of the yearly matchup gets to take home a glorious trophy known as the Victory Cannon, but what no one could have predicted was the shocking discovery that CMU Head Coach John Bonamego was only in it to have his way with the cannon “sexually,” sources said.

When shocking photos surfaced on Twitter after CMU’s victory, most followers assumed the post to be a joke, but The Black Sheep decided to keep digging and find the truth. After a deep investigation into untalented Chip organization, we discovered the horrifying truth: Bonamego is sexually attracted to cannons.

It sounds crazy, but inside sources have confirmed a disturbing amount of rumors about the CMU cannonphile. According to those closest to him, the insides of his home and office are filled with an alarming amount of cannon paraphernalia.

“His office is covered with cannons,” said an unnamed source, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of being associated with cannon sex. “Not just statues, but toys, paintings, and photos too.”

When asked for more info about this grisly discovery, our source told us it was too disturbing to go into too much detail.

“There were pictures on the wall of him posing provocatively with cannons, both large and small,” the sources said. “In some photos, he wore nothing but a cannon neck tie.”

A concerned member of the coaching staff also came to us due to a fear for the cannon’s safety.

“We’re starting to think he was only in it for the cannon,” said a CMU coaching staff member, who asked to remain anonymous because of the sheer embarrassment of his boss. “He was hell bent on winning, but as soon as he got his hands on [the cannon] he disappeared.”

The team has reportedly been concerned about the coach’s mysterious behavior for quite some time and wants to get to the bottom of things.

“We need people to know the truth!” said a CMU linebacker. “He acts like no one knows what happens when he and that cannon get into bed.”

The consensus among those involved is that the past few, cannon-less years have driven the coach to the brink of insanity, and now that it’s back, he may have gone off the deep end. After publicly showing his true colors, many think the cannon is no longer safe at Central.

In an effort to secure the cannon’s safety, WMU is already preparing for next year’s rematch. According to the Western Michigan football staff, they are doing everything in their power to make sure the cannon returns home and stays out of the wrong hands.

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