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Why Jersey Parties at Western Are Stupid as Fuck

Nothing is worse than seeing you got invited to a Facebook-official birthday party from a dude at work. That is, other than noticing the jersey-themed party. Sadly, even a throwback Jersey Shore party would be better than seeing the Thad Castle jersey from 10 years ago come out again. Jersey parties suck, and we’re here to tell you why. 

4.) Dude, that jersey won’t get you laid: 
First of all, boys hate themed parties. Secondly, what is the point of having a theme if the theme is something you wear every day? That would be like saying, “Hey let’s have a WMU party…at WMU…” Yep, sounds pretty stupid as fuck. If you are a dude, then you most likely have 10+ jerseys that hang in your closet on display for you to smile at everyday. You are going out to drink, not trying to win the goddamn Super Bowl. *Douchebag frat guys voice* “Everyone needs to know I watch sports, I’m a big sports guy!” Yeah Brad, everyone is watching fucking sports, it’s college.  

3.) It’s going to be a cold fucking night for the ladies: 
Jersey party? Great, now girls you have to call every guy they’ve ever slept with and ask to borrow a jersey. It will take a couple calls since guys “don’t have one you can wear.” Once you finally get a jersey, which you don’t even know the team of, you leave the house and forget to put on pants (classic slut move). *Sorority girls voice* “OMG Brit! It’s just soooo big on me ha-ha-ha,” as your ass continues to show every five seconds. If you’re a girl and swear you LOVE sports so much, wear a hoodie and sweats to the bar.

2.) Are we still stuck In 2008?: 
It’s 2018—why are we still doing denim-and-jersey themed parties? Not only are you basic for having a jersey party, but you suck for not being original. Let’s change it up a bit and do: wear sweatpants without getting ready theme (bring your own wine). THAT WOULD BE PERFECT. It’s hard to dress up sometimes, but doesn’t getting drunk as Tim Allen sound more fun than the average party? 

1.) A shitty theme leads to shitty people (we’re all shitty): 
If you are reading this thinking, “I like jersey parties,” do you? Do you really? Do you also like intense protein shakes, one-gallon water jugs and flags that say, “Saturdays Are For The Boys”? Bet that’s right up your alley. Odds are if you have a jersey party, you will also have holes in your wall the next morning plus a broken mirror. There will be smashed beer cans throughout your yard and probably a passed-out human with a drawing of a dick on his/her face. The truth is, we’ve all been the jersey wearer at one point. 

No matter the occasion, it is always fun to get drunk with friends. If you do, try not to be that typical jersey-wearing stereotype. Most importantly, party hard and party right. We’ve all worn our fair share of jerseys, but like PJ Fleck and President Dunn, it’s time to move one. 

 

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