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Shit You’re Too Old For at Western Michigan University

If you’ve been at Western for a while now, the Bronco lifestyle is a probably a little harder than you remember it freshman year. Taking that fifth year victory lap seemed like a good idea until you realized you’ve been here since the incoming class was in middle school. Now somehow you’re old as shit and your old ass just can’t keep up with the kids these days. There’s no need for you to strain yourself anymore, for here’s all the shit at WMU you’re just too old for:

6.) Morning tailgates:
What freshmen Broncos see as the best part about college, all you old asses see as just another reason you have to set the alarm clock on a Saturday morning. You probably find yourself saying, “Why the hell would anyone put a football game in the afternoon?!” as you pop a Buster tattoo on your cheek and shotgun PBRs in a crowded parking lot at 10 a.m. Your liver is probably a well-oiled machine at this point, but early morning drinking is best left to the kids.

5.) Night classes:
Taking American Lit as a three-hour, once-a-week Monday night class seemed easy as pie when you registered months ago, but now every Monday you contemplate dropping that shit like it’s hot. Twenty-two year-old brains were just not meant to work after 7 p.m., and there’s really nothing you can do to change that. After the first hour and a half, even super seniors start to question if a college degree is really worth this torture.

4.) WMU winters:
Being one of the snowiest colleges in the country makes campus feel like a winter wonderland when you’re young and stupid, but now that you’re old as shit, it’s a frozen hell. If you open your front door and see three feet of snow on the porch, you simply cannot go to class. Maybe the cold is too much for your old bones or the Sangren Hall hill is to icy for your tired legs. Either way, you couldn’t make it to class even if you wanted to.

3.) Crowded Western bars:
Sure, when you’re 19 with a fake ID, grinding on sweaty strangers in the basement of The Grotto or on the dance floor of The Library is the best time of your life, but after a few years it starts to feel as gross and uncomfortable as it actually is. For some reason, waiting in a crowd for a half hour for a warm Miller Lite is just not as fun as it once was.

2.) Fratville:
Let’s face it: there’s a reason you only see lost-looking freshmen Broncos lining up outside Sig Ep when they throw a party. If you somehow manage to slip into a party on Fratville, you’ll realize pretty quickly that you don’t belong when a bunch of high school-looking dudes in togas start doing keg stands. If you’re not a freshman looking for free UV Blue or a place to drink outside the dorms, it’s safe to say that you’re too old to be on Fratville.

1.) Actually watching a WMU football game:
No matter what year you are, you are never too old for tailgating. However, actually going to the game is a different story. After drinking all day, it’s unreasonable to ask an old-timer like yourself to stand in the bleachers for two hours and watch a whole game. Even just one quarter makes your feet hurt, your bones ache, and your booze-filled liver cry out in anguish. The rambunctious student section is a lot for your ancient ears to deal with, so do yourself a favor and walk your old ass home and watch the game on TV with your grandpa.

Yeah, yeah, you’re still a young college kid in the prime of your life and all that shit, but come on. There are just some things that you’re already too damn old for. Soon enough you’ll be in rocking chairs with your friends talking about the good ‘ol days of WMU.

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