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Hey, When The Hell is The New Grotto Opening?

Every college student loves the ‘hard to get’ play, but Grotto, now you’re just messing with us. If you want to fuck with our hearts, fine…but fuck with our livers? Screw you! Western students obviously love the Grotto, but enough is enough–we need our Friday nights back. Rumors have come and gone about the date of the grand opening, and now the new Grotto is hiring, but what is the truth?

New Grotto, stop being a prude and let us know–when can we come inside you?

4.) Tonight? Is today the day I get laid?: 
Rumors are spreading faster than chlamydia in the Beta Feta Fuck Boy House. The latest rumor is that today, Feb. 28, is the day the Grotto is finally opening, but we’ve been teased before. We’ve been getting told that the Grotto will be opening “soon.” Well, it’s fucking almost March, and we miss our half-off Sundays! There have been no advertisements and, on Jan. 30, their Facebook page said  “We’re coming for you soon my friends.” Broncos get pissed when Two Fellas delivery is two minutes late, so how the hell do you think we are coping with this bullshit?  

3.) Seven days? Will we drink next week?: 
Will Grotto open during WMU spring break week? Are you drunk Grotto? Because the WMU students are, except they’re drunk in Florida…not in Kalamazoo! For years, broke Broncos have come to you while they watch all their friends get wasted on Snap, now what the fuck can they do? If you open next week, you’ll be giving sanctuary to all the broke asses that couldn’t afford to leave the Zoo, but listen–no one else will even be there. The Grotto re-opening will become a WMU national holiday and we want to be part of it!

2.) 20 days? 2-3 weeks, and we’ll finally meet:  
Grotto, you are pulling the typical, “Sorry I’ve just been really busy lately” line, but we aren’t falling for it! We are trying to be understanding, but why’d you even do this to us in the first place? Because rent got too high? Whatever the reason, it’s too late, so come back to us already. We get your liquor license didn’t transfer easily, remodeling took longer than expected, there was a flood, etc. But are you really going to make us wait till St. Patty’s or even after house crawl to drink with you? Grotto, you are starting to sound like PJ Fleck when he said he’d never leave us…

1.) 100 days? Why is it taking so long to fall on our faces for you? 
No fucking way! If the Grotto doesn’t open until the fall then there will be another Kalamazoo flood from the tears of WMU students. You can’t make us fall in love with you (and your deals), and ditch us when Fortnight came out. We only have so much patience, so if you take that long to come then we aren’t fucking you anymore. We miss you Grotto and we won’t wait forever, so at least give us a hint or update us with pictures of the new bar that we’ll be puking in. 

 

The truth is, we won’t know when the Grotto will open until we see 500 people Snapchatting about it. But when that day does come, get ready to drink your faces off, because our baby is back! WMU students hope that the Grotto opens any day now, but don’t believe that shit until you have a $1 beer in your hand. 

 

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