UW Housing recently released a proposal for incoming freshmen to make a $1,400 deposit for their dining hall expenses. This deposit is non-refundable, mandated, and ultimately, a bunch of bullshit.
Students would be required to make a minimum of $350 quarterly deposits that can solely be used at on-campus dining halls and unions. If the student fails to use up all of the money, it goes straight to the university. Have no fret, big spenders, $1,400 is only the minimum amount – if students want to reach the “silver” or “gold” dining hall tiers, they can deposit $2,100 or $3,100, respectively, because in order to normalize wealth segregation, it needs to start early! With a petition to block this move that includes over 99 pages (and growing) of signatures, it’s safe to say that past, present, and future students want nothing to do with this policy change.
So instead of wasting $1,400 on Gordon’s shitty scrambled eggs, we’ve thought of some other useless things that could be bought with this heap of money.
5.) 401 bags of Culver’s cheese curds:
If the dining hall scheme included the option to purchase Culver’s, this would be a whole different story. However, capitalism has failed us and no Culver’s are available within the meal plan, or on campus in general. If you had $1,400 to splurge at Culver’s, you would be able to snag ~401 bags of their delicious cheese curds. Your arteries would be pissed and you would most likely die, but live fast die young, right?
4.) Kim Kardashian’s Yeezy outfit
Imagine rolling up to Gordon’s in this ‘fit. Forget the $1,400 mandate, they would be paying YOU to be photographed eating their food. The tee comes out to $180, the monochromatic sweats are $300, and shoes are a steal at $715. The total comes out to $1,195, so you still have $205 that can go towards buying camera equipment for your social-climbing sex tape.
3.) An “A” from your sus professor:
Bribing professors is the way of the future. Slide your professor $1,400 in exchange for boosting your grade – everyone benefits! If your ethics professor declines your kind offer, use the $1,400 to hire a private investigator to dig up some dirt on them. Blackmail is the only option at this point, Rick, maybe next time you’ll learn to take the higher road of bribery.
2.) 5,600 mixed drinks from Whiskey Jack’s on a Thursday:
“This is what dreams are made of – Lizzie McQuire” – you. Whiskey Jack’s sells $0.25 mixed drinks from 9-10 p.m. on Thursdays, so if you get in there with your $1,400 you’re able to buy 5,600 drinks (if you’re forgetting to tip the bartender). They might cut you off around 2,000, which just means you’ll have to come back the next Thursday. Who needs dining halls when you can just drink all of your calories?
1.) Rent Bucky for eight hours:
Whether you want Bucky to come join your Christmas party, or your roommates are out of town so you’ll be lonely, you can rent your favorite mascot for the day. For private events, Bucky’s first hour is $300, and every additional hour is a steal at $150. This means $1,400 will get you Bucky for eight hours. That’s enough time for you guys to Jump Around 143 times in a row, or just sit around and discuss your life problems because he’s probably a great listener.
University officials calculated the amount of $1,400 due to that being the average amount a UW student spends in dining halls and unions. However, UW isn’t filled with average students. The proposed mandate has the ability to screw over, and deter, students who aren’t “average” and has consequences that have the ability to be graver than eating 401 bags of cheese curds. Put on your Yeezy outfit, grab a Whiskey Jack’s rail mixie, and fight the system, Badgers!
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