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The 5 Drunks You’ll Meet During Mifflin

Perhaps no tradition at the University of Wisconsin-Madison is more time honored than the all-day drunk fest lovingly titled the Mifflin Street Block Party. For years, the celebration of finally-good weather and rejection of Lori Berquam’s desperate cries for help has meant the world to students. Some Mifflin traditions, like wearing your favorite jersey or blatantly ignoring the fact that Revelry is also going on, are fine, but getting drunk is by far the most popular. Here’s the official The Black Sheep guide to the five types of drunk you’ll definitely come across on Saturday.

5.) The Frat Bro:

 

You thought Mifflin was a haven for those of all backgrounds, but this asshole just wants to show you how fast he can “shotgun a beer, bro.” By 11 a.m., he’s the idiot who’s drunk and confident enough to walk on the sidewalk with a beer in hand. You can spot him from a mile away – he’s wearing Sperry’s, weirdly-colored pastel shorts and the ever-classic “TuneSquad” jersey from Space Jam. He’s got that weird thing that connects your sunglasses in the back and his beer coozie just oozes fraternity. He’s one obnoxious sentence to a cop away from getting arrested.

4.) The One Who Started Waaaaay Too Early:

This is probably your friend who had, like, three exams this week and is just dying to get drunk. They’ve been hyping up Mifflin for weeks and have been constantly bragging to you about how they’re going to start drinking at 7 a.m. By the time noon rolls around, they’re passed out in someone’s basement with a not-so-gently-used garbage can teetering next to them. You guys were gonna go to the bars at night, but this friend was on a wrecking course to destroy those plans.

3.) The One Who Loves Attractions:
Likely a freshman, this is the friend who’s only dreamed about going to Mifflin for years, never having been able to witness the beautiful, drunk glory that is the street itself. The second she sees a bouncy house, it’s off to the races. Heard about the house that has a keg of Spotted Cow? That’s where you’re going next. With the attention span of a coddled jackrabbit, you’re not going to be spending more than ten minutes at whatever house you’re at, so you better become used to finishing that Natty Light quick before it’s on to the next one.

2.) The Foodie:
You know that one friend that only Instagrams pictures of food? The one that needs to take a picture every time you go to a sit-down restaurant, even if it’s IHOP? By the time 9 a.m. rolls around, they’ve spotted Bassett St. Brunch Club, and there’s no turning back. This is the friend that drags you inside the house, over to the secluded corner where there’s the one sad bag of chips and a small can of salsa. Forget drinking – for them, Mifflin is a day of casual snacking, a day of enjoying like a poor-college-student-turned-king.

1.) The Squatter:
The same kid who starts studying for finals three weeks in advance and is dying to show you their color-coded planner. Once they get into a house, that’s where they’re gonna be for the rest of the day. This is the friend that’s always had an affinity towards rule-abiding, and Mifflin is the time where they’re most on edge. Sure, they tap the keg a few times, but those (harmless) cops scare the motherfucking shit out of them. It might be the house of your floor mate’s brother’s drug dealer in high school, but it’s where you’re gonna be for the rest of the day, and you might as well accept that.

Have fun at Mifflin! Be safe, and try your best to stay away from these people, although you’re bound to meet at least one of them. Life is cruel, we know.

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