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6 Reasons To Be Thankful You Don’t Go to Minnesota

When the word “Minnesota” is spoken, what comes to mind? Everything horrible, right? That’s what we thought. Yes, Minnesota, the state of Gophers, is extremely inadequate, but above all, their major state university pales in comparison to UW-Madison. Need more reason to be thankful you don’t go to Minnesota with Thanksgiving right around the corner? The Black Sheep has you covered.

6.) It’s too close to Canada:
You know Canada, that country that has moose and maple syrup? Where the government pays for health care? Where they have freakin’ Tim Hortons? What a terrible place. Well, fun fact, Minnesota literally shares a fucking border with Canada. If that isn’t blasphemous, we don’t know what is. After some careful investigation, The Black Sheep discovered that Canada is terrible, and so is Minnesota.

5.) It’s too cold:
Now, we know what you’re going to say: Madison is cold too. Well guess what? Minneapolis is probably colder. It’s farther north – that’s a fact. How’s the -20 degree weather over there, Gophers? We’ll enjoy our toasty -18 degrees. You can keep your ice and snow, we’ll have our slightly warmer versions of the same thing.

4.) They don’t have the SERF:
When in your life have you had the following thought: “There is no place that I would rather be playing basketball than in a musky old building that is placed conveniently right behind the best eating institution on the face of the planet, which is called Gordon’s.” Now, when you have that thought, where do you immediately think of? That’s right. The SERF. Coincidentally, guess what Minnesota doesn’t have? The SERF. How could anyone even consider going there???

3.) Lakes are better than rivers, and everyone knows that:
Sure, Minnesota might have a river running through its campus, but it sure doesn’t have Lake Mendota or Lake Monona. It’s been scientifically proven by scientists that lakes are just far superior (haha, lake pun) to rivers in every single way imaginable; and Badgers, that must make you thankful you go to Wisconsin and not the terrible river-bearing institution that is the University of Minnesota. And don’t even try to act like you’re the “Land of 10,000 Lakes” because, last time we checked, Wisconsin has more lakes than you.

2.) It is geographically farther from our nation’s capital, Washington D.C.:
That’s right. How can you declare yourselves good American citizens, Minnesota, when you have chosen to locate yourself further from the literal heart of American democracy and progress, Washington D.C.? Are you trying to further yourself from the ideals of our nation? Are you scared, Minnesota? We’re so thankful that, as Badgers, we could probably get to Washington D.C. faster than you, in case we need to protect the Constitution or the Declaration of Independence. This one is just downright sad, Minnesota.

1.) The 80:
This one you just won’t believe. Minnesota doesn’t have the 80. Like, how do they get around campus in a way that is both convenient and unsanitary? Are there buses numbered in a way that is lower, making them less significant and worse overall? What do you have, Minnesota, the 37 or something? Awful. Wisconsin, which is home to the famous “80” bus, is much better than Minnesota, and we should be thankful that we do not attend that horrific institution.

This election season may have gotten you down, but chin up kids. There’s always something to be thankful for! Like Jimmy Fallon or ClickHole quizzes that tell you if you have what it takes to be Jedi Master Yoda’s live in caretaker. There’s plenty of things to be thankful for, and being a UW student is one of them!

 

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