Picture this: it’s 10:45 a.m. on a beautiful Saturday morning in the fall. You’re reasonably hammered and ready to attend what should be a lovely Badger game. Problem, though: you’re a 25 minute walk from Camp Randall.
We’ve all been there, and through The Black Sheep’s independent research, scientists have discovered that it’s simply better to stay at home for Badger games. Here’s why:
6.) Possible Concurrent Coital Events:
Unfortunately, we do not live in the middle ages where public sex was not frowned upon; in the modern day, bumping uglies in Camp Randall will get you a myriad of felonies. Thankfully, if you stay home, you can fuck and also watch Badger sports, for maximum enjoyment purposes. Score a touchdown both physically and digitally – it’s a win for all parties.
This one should be obvious. Why go to the game and end up sobering up by the time “Jump Around” comes on, when you can stay home and take down another 30-rack of Kül Light? Trust us, there is virtually no better combination than winning football and Wisconsin-based barley beverages. Make your liver considerably sadder, and stay home this gameday.
4.) More Conducive Environment for Napping Purposes:
All that cheering is tiring, so watch the game from the comfort of your own bed and kill two birds with one stone. The Badgers’ Defense won’t care if you’re asleep, because they won’t know! Finally, that one friend that always gets pissy when people don’t have “school spirit” or some bullshit can leave you alone. This is the better alternative.
3.) Sound Control:
Ever been at Camp Randall and had this thought: “If I hear another trumpet in my vicinity I will personally find a way to make everyone in the Badger Band’s life a personal, never-ending hell?” Avoid that annoying tuba line by literally just not going to the game. And if you’re really missing it, we hear there’s a couple of good Spotify tracks that will virtually transport you just next to Union South – that’s huge for the program.
2.) No Penalty for Blacking Out:
That one time you got arrested at a Badger game freshman year was a true low point, and why put yourself in that scenario again? Avoid it altogether by blacking out in the comfort of your own home. Though you may have to do some cleanup, it’s far better than the alternative.
It’s what makes the world go ‘round, and also what prevents you from balling out later on if you waste it on football tickets. Don’t want to spend a whole day drinking to have the buzz wear off as Wisconsin surrenders a touchdown to Ohio State? Sell your ticket for $200, buy yourself a nice bottle of Chardonnay, and bask in your wit. You’re well on your way, Badgers.
If there’s one thing to take away from all this it’s that the researchers at The Black Sheep are hella good at their jobs. If there’s two things to take away from all this, the second thing would be that it’s in your best interested to stay home on football Saturday. Nap, get turnt, and sleep with that cutie next door who’s always telling you your hair looks sexy pushed back.
Zombies, footballs, and beers oh my: