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The 6 Students You’ll See at Graduation


Graduation is almost upon us! Yeah, the adult world is almost here, and we all know it’s just going to be the biggest drag since RuPaul became a TV celebrity. What’s worse, you have to sit through that long, hot, and just plain awful ceremony with nothing to look forward to except hearing that football guy talk. To keep you from literally dying of boredom, (we did some research, it can happen) entertain yourself by looking for these six people that will most definitely be attending graduation with you. 


6.) The Overachieving Narcissist:



“Oh, you didn’t even think it was possible to have 4 majors and wear 8 different sashes? That’s cute.” Besides the smug smile on their face, look for them bragging about their 7 job offers and name-dropping people like Elon Musk. You will really have to search for them though, unless you spent all your time at Wendt or the Law Library, you won’t recognize this person. Let’s just say they never participated in Tuesday nights at The Double U.


5.) The “Thank God I Finally Passed”:



Hey, good for you man, it only took you seven years… and you really never switched your major? Hmm, well no worries, we all learn at different speeds, though you probably should have spent more time studying and less time filming your dog after getting him high… But honestly, we’re just glad that someone besides a Comm Arts major is also having trouble finding a job. 


4.) The “Does My Cap Make Me Look Stupid?”:



YES! It absolutely does, and no amount of makeup and hairspray is going to fix it…But, that’s not the point. You finally graduated, so tradition states you must be knocked down a peg by looking stupid in all your photos. It’s just to prepare you for real life.


3.) The “My Mom Made Me Come to the Ceremony”:



We see you’re wearing flip-flops and haven’t showered in at least 4 days. But, get ready to smile, your mom’s got the camera out and is making you pose with people that you’ve never met before. Yes, the ceremony is long, and boring, and hot, and the speaker’s not Katie Couric… where were we going with this? God, graduation just sounds terrible, you should try to just stay home and nap… or start drinking early.


2.) The “$5 for a Picture With Me” Athlete:



What a smart entrepreneur we have here! The millions you’ll make as a pro-athlete obviously isn’t enough for you. Just kidding! We get it; we used to be in a serious Disc Golf league. You’re constantly stopped at parties and bars and on the street for photos; you don’t want to waste graduation posing with strangers. Your life must be such a hassle!


1.) The “I Snuck My Cat Inside My Gown”:




 It’s a long ceremony, we completely understand. Plus, it’s a great way to make friends. Find this new friend by looking for the man pretending to be pregnant. Is the baby bump moving? Is it meowing? IT’S A CAT!!



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