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6 Things They Don’t Tell You On a UW Campus Tour

We’ve all been on a campus tour, and we all know they should really be called the campus history class. Seriously, they should offer credit for the amount of dates and old guy-names they throw at you. More important than what they do tell you is everything they don’t tell you. Which is a lot. But don’t worry, The Black Sheep is here to save the day and fill you in on everything they won’t tell you.

6.) They tell you: Although Madison is a large campus, it’s relatively compact:

They don’t tell you: You will never set foot in most of the buildings I’m showing you.

It’s true. There are whole sections of campus you’ll never see again. If you’re in engineering, you can bet your ass you’re not trucking your way up to Bascom Hall, no matter how historically significant it is.

5.) They tell you: Campus has over 50 libraries, and Memorial is the largest:

They don’t tell you: Don’t study in Memorial.

If you go into Memorial, you’ll never be the same. There is no place with a desolation so dark. Also, they don’t have coffee. You’re better off going to College where the caffeine is flowing and people actually smile.

4.) They tell you: These are the Southeast dorms where many of you will live:

They don’t tell you: We aren’t going out to Lakeshore because it’s too damn far.

And that’s exactly what you’re going to think if you live there. Sure, Lakeshore has a lot to offer. For example, the shore of the lake. But that walk is not worth the view.

3.) They tell you: “This is Camp Randall. Get ready to jump around!”:

They don’t tell you: Getting football tickets is a BITCH!

You’ve heard all about how great football season is. But nothing can prepare you for that most agonizing morning of the year: the day season tickets go on sale. You wake up at like 6 a.m., find every internet capable devise that you own, and stare at the clock until 7:30. Then, right on time, CLICK. It’s a terrible way to get school spirit going, since all you’re doing is wishing the most severe ill on your fellow badgers, and that is, “please don’t get tickets so that I can!”

2.) They tell you: Many classes include both freshman and upperclassman:

They don’t tell you: If you go to class dressed like you’re going to a job interview, upperclassman will laugh.

Don’t pretend you have your shit together. None of us do, and you don’t either. No one tells you on your tour, “Take a look around, see how we’re all crying on the inside?” It’s true for all of us, so don’t fake it.

1.) They tell you: The history of every building ever:

They don’t tell you: Anything useful.

Now you know everything about the history of campus. You know that North Hall was the first building on campus. You know that Abe is on top of Bascom Hill because of the whole land-grant thing. You know that the bell tower by Social Sciences plays “On Wisconsin.” But do you know where to buy groceries? Yeah, didn’t think so. 

Like booze before noon? So do these guys…


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