There are plenty of nonsexual things that turn college students on. College kids are arguably the most desperate demographic – selling their plasma as often as possible and losing their shit over half a free Jimmy John’s sub. In these desperate times, something as miniscule as sleeping in for another 17 minutes gets students aroused. Here’s a list of nonsexual things that particularly turn on UW students.
7.) An empty table near the window at College Library:
Walking up to the 2nd or 3rd floor of college library and seeing an empty table, period, is enough to make your afternoon. But snagging a spot next to the window and with outlets; uhhhhhh hell yeah. Bonus points if a rando doesn’t ask to sit with you before your friends make it to the library – it’s like your sibling asking for a kidney: sure, you can say no, but you’ll look like a dick.
6.) When nobody is trying to sell you something on Library Mall:
Don’t act like you haven’t had to completely ignore someone on Library Mall before. Whether they’re having you buy something or giving away something pointless that’s free, they’ve got some agenda and frankly, it gets pretty tiring of having to pretend like you don’t see someone waving a giant sign. Not being squawked at and enjoying the capitol view is a pretty sexual experience.
5.) When your class on the other side of Bascom gets cancelled:
Any class getting cancelled at any college is a pretty sexual experience. But being able to opt out of hiking up and down Bascom? An entirely higher level of bliss. The Humanities-to-Ag-Hall walk in 15 minutes is already stressful, but shout out to the glaciers for dumping a giant hill right in the middle. Thanks Mother Nature.
4.) Walking on Charter and being able to breathe:
Breathing while walking to class, what a concept? This seems like a given, but if you’ve ever down around University and Charter during peak class times, odds are you have seen a glimpse into Satan’s third circle of hell. Walking around campus and not constantly dodging bodies: super arousing, albeit in a very weird way.
3.) The 80 coming as you’re about to walk up Bascom:
You’re about to trek the summit that is Bascom hill, dreading it, and then magic happens – the 80 comes. You aren’t that big of a piece of garbage that you would take time and wait for the bus just to avoid walking up Bascom; but if it happens to stop right in front of you, who are you to ignore God’s will?
2.) A free DJ Khaled concert:
Sam the Mentos guy turned on approximately 43,000 people in one weekend, so it’s safe to say his life can only go down from here. Even if you hate DJ Khaled or didn’t go to the concert, you can be aroused by the fact he came here instead of University of Minnesota.
1.) Seeing the plastic sheet lifted from Red Shed:
With rumors swirling that the Red Shed on Frances street was closing, it was pretty arousing seeing the plastic sheet that covered the front window for a few days being lifted. As the prophetic Counting Crows sang, you don’t know what you got till it’s gone.
College is a time of great highs and extreme lows. One night you’re boozed up at a free DJ Khaled concert, and 8 hours later you’re failing a calculus exam. In these desperate times, all there is to do is enjoying those nonsexual things that still turn you on.
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