Are you tired of hearing the same old Christmas songs? Of course you are—they’re old news! By now, we all know that Bing Crosby dreams of a white Christmas, Nat King Cole prefers his chestnuts roasting (on an open fire), and that Mariah Carey is a liar and probably doesn’t want you for Christmas—like, at all.
And as for the religious holiday songs, the selection is abysmal. We all know what the night wind said to the little lamb about good king Wenceslas on that silent night. He said he was a hack who couldn’t spit ill rhymes, even after gathering winter fuel.
Thankfully, a new savior is coming to town this Christmas. He won’t be wearing a suit of red, nor will he sport a beard of white. However, it can be assumed that he will be reppin’ a Dolce & Gabbana tiger-print Santa hat, as well as some type of jingle bell encrusted tooth/grill attachments.
That’s right. America’s sweetheart, RiFF RAFF—voted most likely to join the priesthood in high school—will be gracing listeners with Christmas album, TRiPLE X-MAS, this season. Americans, rap enthusiasts, and Christians have long been yearning for a more modernized soundtrack to their holiday season. The hype for this album has been incredible, and the wait, almost unbearable. Pre-release reviews reveal that this critically acclaimed record will be well worth the wait. “On Beyoncé’s level,” boasts SPIN Magazine (don’t fact check that). “TRiPLE X-MAS features the best holiday tracks since John Lennon’s ‘Happy X-mas (War Is Over),’ ” raves Rolling Stone (again, don’t fact check this). “You’ll feel like you’re flying on a reindeer while eating sugar cookies,” claims Pitchfork (going to say this only once more—avoid a fact check).
TRiPLE X-MAS is set to release on November 26th. In regards to the strange release date, RiFF RAFF only had eloquent things to say. “Fuck Thanksgiving!” said Mr. RAFF. “Do I look like a pilgrim? Do you see buckles on my designer shoes? Do I live in Jamestown?”
His impressive knowledge of Thanksgiving history surprised many critics and fans. This led to a spike in his pre-order sales, which have already reached over 25,000 copies, surpassing sales of NEON iCON. The album is currently available for preorder at several local Madison music shops: B-Side Compact Discs, Ear Wax Punk, MadCity Music Exchange and Juke Box Bandstand.
Unlike RiFF RAFF’s 2010 album release Trick or Treat, which had absolutely nothing to do with Halloween, trick-or-treating, or candy in general, TRiPLE X-MAS includes tracks exclusively relating to the holidays. The album will feature six Christmas songs, such as “Tip Toe Wing in My Stockings” and “Can dee Cane freestyle,” two Hanukah songs—“Aquaberry Dreidel,” and “Gimme Menorah”—one “Harambee Glaciers” in honor of Kwanza, and even one track titled “Happy Atheist New Year.” RiFF RAFF has said he believes in equality for all people—except pilgrims. A single “HOHOHOLCE & GABBANA” has already been released and is sure to brighten even Scrooge’s Christmas:
Iced out my driveways plowed
Suit made by magic’l crowd
Snow on my North Pole and house looking like gingerbread
Look like Santa Cray
Drive a sleigh
Fifty thousand snowflakes, bought the town chicken filet
Seven butt-nakeds reindeer’ flyin in my sauna
Only fuck with elves who rock HoHoHolce & Gabbana
HoHoHolce & Gabbana
If those lyrics don’t excite you, then you can shove a candy cane where the sun don’t shine. RiFF RAFF Xmas—you know you want it.