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Abraham Lincoln Threatens UW-Madison with Lawsuit

Many UW-Madison students were disappointed when Monday’s classes commenced as usual. Even more upset was UW Madison’s official keeper of Bascom Hill, Abraham Lincoln. The Mr. President blew up the Twitter-sphere all day with controversial tweets about his current position atop Bascom.

The high on Presidents’ Day was -44 degrees Fahrenheit here in Madison; meteorologist jargon refers to this type of weather as “instant fucking frostbite.” However, as per President Lincoln’s contract with the university, he is only allowed to wear a suit while on duty. This became the first of the President’s grievances while drafting his lawsuit against the school. This section of the lawsuit has been titled The Goddamn Down Clause, “down” referring to Lincoln’s goose-feather, down parka.

Besides being balls cold on top of Bascom, President Lincoln has also expressed some concerns relating to hours and wages worked. The lawsuits High since ’09 clause discusses Lincoln’s lack of overtime pay and vacation days that have been rolling over for 106 years. Without taking any personal or sick days (even during the polio epidemics of 1916 and 1955) Lincoln has calculated his total vacation time to be 27,585 days.

The working conditions are also brought up in the lawsuit. The Bascom sex scene is considered a rite of passage for many Badgers, so it is clear why Lincoln is no longer interested in these public displays. And as quoted from President Lincoln’s famous Gettysburg Address of 1863, “There is a time and a place for pornography.” Ever in competition, George Washington quickly replied to Lincoln’s tweet:

The Washington v. Lincoln Presidents’ Day feud is nothing new. Everyone remembers the great Wooden Teeth v. Stove-Pipe Hat debate of 1998. However, this year the feud had to take the backseat to Lincoln’s lawsuit, where most of the President’s energy was focused. So much so, that he says the lawsuit has become burdensome, taking up even more of his zero-free-time.

At the end of the day President Abraham Lincoln is a quiet, honest badass. He said he does not wish to go to court with UW-Madison over squabble worthy work issues. He agreed to drop the entire lawsuit under one condition:

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