In honor of the first basketball game tonight, we decided we would rate every basketball player, not by their own sexiness, but by the sexiness of their very name itself. What’s in name, you ask? Sex appeal, that’s what.
17.) Michael Ballard:
Ballard is kind of a funny name. Not really sexy though…
16.) T.J. Schlundt:
So many hard sounds. That whole “Shlu” sound doesn’t sound very attractive, and T.J. sounds like a school kid on the playground. It could be short for something sexy though, like Tanner James. Yeah, okay.
15.) Alex Illikainen:
Sure, his last name sounds exotic and dangerous, like he could rip you apart and smother you with love and kindness in a single gesture, but his first name is Alex. Like, the most generic name you can get. Blegh.
14.) Zak Showalter:
He spells his first name in a kooky fashion. Is it enough though? Meh, it’s fine.
13.) Matt Ferris:
Matt Ferris’ day off anyone? Ferris? Ferris? Yeah, not much we can do with this…
12.) Bronson Koenig:
Yeah, this is better. Much better. Bronson. Who do you know by the name of Bronson? It just EXUDES power. And who doesn’t love a little bit of power exuded on them? Ladies?
11.) Brevin Pritzl:
We got a major winner here folks. His last name sounds like pretzel! Also his first name sounds like Kevin, or Devin, but in a far sexier way than those lame asses.
10.) D’Mitrik Trice:
We start our top ten with D’Mitrik, whose last name is trice because he always orders a triple order of Toppers stix and he always shares. Sexual shivers anyone?
9.) Aaron Moesch:
There’s just something about the name Aaron, huh? Aaron Rodgers, that guy named Aaron in your Ochem lab that you try to stare at when he isn’t looking so he doesn’t think you’re staring at him even though you are, or some other third sexy Aaron. Be honest, you can think of one.
8.) Aleem Ford:
He’s actually the heir to the Ford automobile fortune. There’s nothing sexier than money.
7.) Jordan Hill:
Like the river, but also like his last name Hill. There’s really just a lot going on with his name.
6.) Nigel Hayes:
Nigel may seem like a nerdy, lame name, but put the last name Hayes on top of that poop sundae and you got yourself one hella sexy name.
5.) Andy Van Vilet:
We begin our top 5 with someone whose name sounds like they should be in a rock band from the 80s, or an heir to a fortune like Aleem Ford, only sexier.
4.) Khalil Iverson:
Just, everything about this. Everything.
3.) Vitto Brown:
His first name is literally pronounced like veto. You know, like the thing the president can do to any bill he (or she) so chooses that is presented to him (or her)? Yeah, Vitto is a powerful, sexy name.
2.) Charles Thomas IV:
Runner-up goes to Charles Thomas IV, who sounds like he’s the king of some land where they all speak with British accents. Really, if it wasn’t for the IV in his name, would it even be sexy? Probably not.
1.) Ethan Happ:
You’re probably saying “Ethan Happ? What’s so sexy about the name Ethan?” Well, if you must know, literally *everything about the name Ethan is sexy. Like, everything. It just oozes sexiness. It’s so fucking sexy!
There ya have it folks, Ethan won. And no, we aren’t biased (don’t look at the name of the author of this article), it’s just well known that the name Ethan is the sexiest name of all time on the entire planet, neigh, the entire universe (again, don’t go looking at the name of the author. Just trust us on this).