You ever walk by Humanities, stop, give the blue skies above a thoughtful glance, and think to yourself, “Gee, I wonder what member of Trump’s administration this building would be?”, and then proceed to go home to a restless night of no sleep because the anxiety of such a question will forever haunt you until you know the answer? Read on.
Jeff Sessions = Camp Randall
Much like our Attorney General, Camp Randall has had its fair share of racist incidents (you know what you did). Also much like our Attorney General, Vladmir Putin has called Camp Randall one of his favorite places in Wisconsin. When questioned what their favorite thing about Camp Randall was in a 2013 interview for the Failing Badger Times (sad), the stadium’s officials told the reporters that they’ve, “never met with Putin or any Russians for that matter, ever, period.”
Secretary of Education Betsy Devos = Grainger
Sure, a lot of you are probably saying, “Devos? Shouldn’t the B-School be Steve Mnuchin?” and the rest of you are asking, “Holy hell, no. What’s a Mnuchin? Did Trump add a character from The Wizard of Oz to his cabinet? Cause, like, that sounds possible.” Devos is Grainger because, well, Grainger is probably the most affluent building on campus, mostly because the business school grads make a butt-load of money and donate it all back to the business school. The money circle is very similar to how good ol’ Has-The-First-Name-Of-A-Cow Devos got her position in Trump’s cabinet. Visual proof here.
Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway = Humanities
This woman’s mind, and her thought-process when she speaks, is a fucking maze. What better building to represent the mouthpiece/metaphorical (and literal) Head of Piss-Storm Clean-Up of our great, unquestionable Oranged-Faced leader than the riot-proof maze that is Humanities. Things that Humanities has in common with Conway is that every time you walk into the building, you wonder why it’s still there, it always looks more and more decrepit with each consecutive visit, and there are talks that it is going to be torn down to be replaced with something just seriously less confusing.
Administrator of Environmental Protection Agency Scott Pruitt = Robot Uniboob by Memorial Library
Yes, Robot Uniboob doesn’t necessarily fit into the category of a campus building, but Scott Pruitt doesn’t fit into the category of Head of the EPA. As someone who has a checkered past of suing the EPA like the Church of Scientology sues literally anyone they can, it makes very little sense for Pruitt to head this agency.
National Security Advisor Michael Flynn = Memorial Union
Sure, he may have been fired from his position as a February Sweeps ratings-boost for The Apprentice: White House Edition, but secret Turkey lobbyer and alleged Russian agent, Michael Flynn, is a total Memorial Union. What other building completely betrayed its people by closing up shop on one of the most important and beloved hangouts in all of the city? What other building lied to its students on several occasions, saying it would be open by May 2016 and then only opening the Terrace for 3 measly days over graduation weekend? We see you Memorial Union. At least you never talked sanctions with some dude name Sergey Kislyak.
Secret Lover Vladmir Putin = The Capitol
Much like the dreamy, bear-wrestling Russian who wowed our Commander-in-Chief with his $3,000 track suit, the Wisconsin State Capitol, while not a part of the UW’s sovereign ground, owns the entire university. The only difference is most people deny having ever talked to Scott Walker more out of embarrassment than the fear of being tried for treason.
WATCH: For some, spring break is about partying on the beach. For others, it’s about wallowing in despair: