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”But Why is All the Rum Gone!?!” Yells Student Enraged Over Diego’s Demise

Reports came in late last night of a lone, belligerent man wandering State Street shouting about the lack of one dollar margaritas available to him. It seems he was referring to the recently closed Bar and Grill, Diego’s, which offered margaritas for $1.00 every Tuesday. UW junior, Adam Cressley, apparently was seen at several Madison bars last night including Chasers, Wando’s, The City Bar, and Jordan’s Big 10 Pub.


His rampage began at Los Gemelos, when he drunkenly mistook it as Diego’s and refused to pay more than $1.00 for his margarita. The owner said the man also wouldn’t stop shouting “Love Shack.”


“He was dancing around with his drink, continually yelling ‘Love Shack, Love Shack,’ ” the annoyed Los Gemelos owner told us. “He pointed at the TVs and kept winking, saying ‘you know what I mean.’ I thought he had mental problems.” Cressley, still believing that he was at Diego’s, apparently wanted to take advantage of their karaoke.


We also caught up with a Jordan’s Big 10 Pub bartender who was working last night. She told us the man ran in requesting a margarita and slapped a dollar down on the bar.


“I told him we don’t do that for a dollar and that the closest we had was a Cosmo for $2.50. But he pretended to vomit on the bar and then ran out trying to steal a stool.”


He was seen riding a red, rented bicycle down State Street towards Diego’s. Sources say they spotted him behind the bar with his mouth around the nozzle of the empty blended margarita machine. The sources are calling it, “the saddest fucking thing they’ve ever seen.”


Additionally, Cressley resorted to licking the outside of the machine in search of just a sticky residue taste of the once glorious $1.00 margaritas. Currently, campus police have him in custody. However, he took the margaritas with him, clinging onto the machine in a bear hug fashion with his arms while letting his body go into a childish, limp noodle state.


Cressley appears to have drunk super-human strength and have a high tolerance for pain, as his leg and face have been bleeding since he entered through the broken glass window. Even after police have Tasered him, he has still miraculously not let go of the margarita machine.


If you are upset about the closing of Diego’s and your lack of cheap margaritas, don’t be like Cressley… who apparently has no idea that he could still get $1 rail drinks at Madhatters on Tuesdays and that all of this was completely and totally unnecessary.

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