On Monday, February 6, University of Wisconsin-Madison Chancellor, Rebecca Blank, signed an executive order to build a wall around campus. The wall will effectively block out all Edgewood students from UW. The plan, proposed by Dean of Students Lori Berquam, will feature a cinder block wall that wraps around campus, beginning around Lake Street and continuing to University Hospital. The wall, which will be heavily guarded and is said to cost roughly $150 million.
When asked about the lofty price tag, Blank responded, “I will build a great wall—and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me. I will make Edgewood pay for the wall. Mark my words.”
The Black Sheep reached out to Scott Flanagan, President of Edgewood College, for a comment on the wall. Mr Flanagan replied, “Blank, when will you understand that I am not paying for that fucking wall? Be clear with your students. They will pay for it.” Blank laughed off Flanagan’s comment while whispering, “They are so going to pay for the wall!”
Although historic evidence points to border walls as being extremely ineffective, Blank is confident that her plan will work. “Look, I didn’t get my graduate degree in economics from Minnesota and my Ph.D. in economics from MI-fuckingT and become Chancellor of a top university to be told by some dipshits that I can’t make campus great again. Nobody wants those Badger-wannabees on our campus—they compete for our resources. Until Edgewood students are barred from accessing UW-Madison’s superior library system, we cannot be truly safe as a campus community.”
Blank said that she expects the wall will take about five years to complete. Although this is an arduous process, Blank plans to implement some early steps that will work to reduce the number of Edgewood students bumbling about Madison’s campus. Blank proposes extreme vetting, a process which would significantly reduce the number of rogue Edgewood students.
“We should have had this in place for years, but at least we’re finally adopting the policy now. I truly believe our campus will be a much better environment without our students having to fear that their research proposals will be stolen by the students of Edgewood,” said a vehement Blank to the press.
At press time, Blank was hosting a group of students taking her required seminar, “If You See Something, Say Something: How to Spot Edgewood Students on Campus.” In her opening convocation, Blank noted, “Hate and discrimination are utterly unacceptable at the UW.
That being said, desperate times call for desperate measures. Keep that in mind as you rat out those Edgewood deplorables.”
What would YOUR parents say about Tinder?