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We Climbed These 8 UW Monuments So You Don’t Have To

The Black Sheep understands that not everyone can be a mountaineer, so why must UW subject us to such cruel climbing treatment. How can they expect 40,000 students to scale all of these monuments? (Oh no, middle school gym class rope climbing flashback!) But never fear guys and gals. You can avoid the tears because we took care of everything for you.

8.) East Campus Mall Pillars:

East Campus Mall

These menacing pillars have stalked the East Campus Mall crosswalk for far too long. Leave it to The Black Sheep professionals to put them in their place. We went up and down these things ‘til they were so confused they didn’t know which way was up. YOU’RE WELCOME!

7.) Engineering Sculpture:

UW engineering

“Come at us art!” All the art on campus was no match for us. This engineer art thinks it’s so bad, with it’s beams, bolts, and plethora of bird-nesting crannies…well, we can safely house so many more birds, so suck it. We climbed this statue lick-it-y split so you can stay inside and watch Netflix all day.

6.) Abe:

Abe

*ATTENTION* Graduating seniors. Are you afraid of heights? Or just damn lazy? Simply crop your face into this picture. Easy peasey. Your relatives will think it’s the real thing, we swear.

5.) Humanities:

humanities

Someone must have tipped off that bitch Humanities that we were coming because she covered herself in PAM cooking spray. Luckily, we never go anywhere without a set of Kraken approved suction cups. We made mince-meat of that building; you can sleep soundly knowing we climbed the shit out of it.

4.) Union South Lady:

us-lady

This one was a tough cookie. Unlike Abe, she was not very welcoming to a little extra lap warmth. It took several hours, but eventually we were able to make it to the top and get the perfect shot (even if dis bitch is giving us the cold shoulder.) At least now thousands of UW students won’t have to deal with her piss poor attitude.

3.) Camp Randall Peni- erm, uh Football Shaf- uh, Statue:

football

No climbing excursion would be complete without a stop at the good ol’ Freudian Football statue. We didn’t even need a ladder—or a net. That’s right; we just belayed right on up that nightmare. The damn balls just kept rolling down and bombarding us. The statue lost like 4 ft. in height… and we lost too many good men by the end of the 7th avalanche.

2.) Humanities Bridge:

bridge

The circle made this one particularly challenging. How does one get their mind around a circle? Like, we’re not talking right triangles or even isosceles trapezoids here; that’s first grade. You have to get inside the circle head before you can just climb inside. Be warned, this one was not for beginners.

1.) Van Hise:

van-hise

You’re probably thinking “oh, well this one looks easy.” Well fine, you caught us. We saved the easiest for last to finish the day out strong. So sue us! Or don’t, y’know we really don’t have anything of value: a stuck-shut can of eggshell paint, our dad’s old work shirt that we used as a smock in K4, 2 broken fishing reels, and the same naked picture of Aaron Carter that everyone’s seen.

Aren’t you just relieved that you don’t have to climb these monumental monuments anymore. You’re off the hook of getting outside and being active. You’re welcome.

 
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