Jacob Turner, a member of the Delta Alpha Psi fraternity who is a closeted Republican, came out about his political identity to his fraternity brothers on Langdon Street last night. Reports indicate his brothers didn’t even seem phased by it. Nope, Turner’s fraternity brothers proved that they were more than just his Greek family when they cast aside the news of their dear friend’s political affiliation and proceeded with the Republican’s Delta Alpha Psi initiation by repeatedly hitting Jacob’s bare behind with a rolling pin like normal.
“It was such a relief,” Jacob told The Black Sheep as he rubbed his numb, red hot butt cheeks the next day. “I was so scared to tell them that I voted for Donald Trump in November and believe that repealing and replacing Obamacare is far more important than investigating Michael Flynn’s alleged acts of treason against the U.S., but they didn’t care. They just slipped their executioner masks on and began my initiation into Delta Alpha Psi by forcefully pounding my buttocks with their traditionally non-sanded rolling pins.”
Jacob remarked that the tears he wept were not due to the pain of having seven rough rolling pins being swung into his gluteus maximus region consistently for 15 minutes, but rather stemmed from the utterly unconditional acceptance that he felt from his now Fraternity brothers.
“I mean, I don’t care,” Alex Jacobson said about Jacob’s coming out. “We had just stripped him of all his clothes and tied his hands together in a half hitch knot when he said he was a Republican and then he mentioned something about Michael Flynn, who I guess is a security guard in the White House or something? I don’t really keep up with politics other than occasionally watching C-SPAN at 4 a.m. with a slice of Ian’s in my hand after a wild bender.”
Jacob’s other new Fraternity brother, political science major Nick Driver, actually does keep up with the country’s political landscape, and self identifies as a Democrat because several of his teachers have told him to do so. Still though, this man has stated that he doesn’t care how Turner identifies.
“I’m a very open minded individual because my professors told me to be,” Driver explained. “So I don’t care if my friend Jacob is a Republican. As long as he can withstand the seven officials of our Fraternity hitting his white bare ass for 15 minutes with 50 year old rolling pins that most certainly left splinters in the cheeks of his behind, he can vote for Hitler for all I care and I’d still be proud to call him my brother.”
Amazing. The brothers at Delta Alpha Psi are showing us what real, unconditional friendship truly means. If this heartwarming tale has any indication of where this next generation will take our country, we’ll be in good hands.