Snow has finally hit Madison, and so has the cheer and holiday spirit that accompanies the cold mixed with jubilance at the first snow. One person that isn’t feeling that happiness, is Badger Football coach, Paul Chryst. While he declined to be interviewed in person, we’ve obtained accounts from those who have seen him since the loss to The Nuts in the B10 Championship Game, and they provided a glimpse into the sorrowful man that once was Paul Chryst.
“I’ve found him sitting underneath the goalposts, drunkenly wailing to the darkness, and anyone else around, at 3 a.m. Other times I’ve found him jumping around in the empty student section, by himself, while sobbing,” Camp Randall janitor, Harold Wallace, remarked. “He’s in a rough place that’s for sure.”
When asked about why he doesn’t ever try and converse with Chryst, in the hopes of potentially giving him an outlet for his emotions, Wallace rejected the idea stating, “I don’t get paid enough for that shit.”
It turns out Chryst isn’t just making appearances at Camp Randall. Unnamed assistants have gone on record to say that Chryst originally claimed he was going to be, “taking a break,” which they naturally assumed meant Chryst would be making an excursion to a nice beach. Little did they know that Chryst instead decided to take up residence in Camp Randall, making a nice room for himself in the Badger’s locker room– a break from life, of sorts.
Those same unnamed sources have said that, in addition to the screaming and jumping around in solitude, Chryst was found replaying Hornibrook’s final interception versus Ohio State over and over again on film. Taking small breaks to leave sobbing voicemails on Russell Wilson’s answering machine begging him to come back for just one more year. All of this, while subsisting on a diet of cold stadium pretzels and Badger Max.
All of Chyrst’s bottled up emotions came to a breaking point this previous Thursday, Wallace then stated, after finding a grisly scene in the north end zone. “I found a bunch of toy buckeye mascots with their heads torn and cut open, one additional toy that I was able to infer was the remnants of the gopher mascot, all lying around the Axe, which had very clearly been used in the act,” Wallace remarked with horror.
“And that wasn’t even the worst part, he had vacated the locker room, but left behind the names of all the Ohio State Buckeyes etched into one of the lockers. Finally I found that Chryst had spray painted “Fuck the U” on the walls of the showers.”
Our unnamed sources could only say that, as of Friday, Chryst had been working out constantly in the Bennett Performance Center, only stopping to catch his breath and yell “Urban.” In addition, one can distinctly hear a mix of Taylor Swift’s “Look What You Made Me Do” and DMX’s “X Gon’ Give It To Ya” echoing through the athletic offices. All of this happening in order for Chryst to presumably prepare himself for what should be an interesting bowl game versus Miami on the 30th of December.
One can only hope that, for Miami’s sake, Chryst doesn’t decide to take out his rage on the field and suit up himself.