In case you’ve missed the migraine-inducing, firestorm of advertisements, the ‘90s Bar Crawl hits the streets of Madison this weekend, February 25th. All of us ‘90s kids are coming together for a day. We are dressing up in our favorite ‘90s get-ups, and getting sloshed off cheap drinks. It’s like a drunken class reunion! Sounds tight, huh? Of course it’s tight! It’s da fucking bomb. That’s why all of you ‘90s kid wannabes are going to try to weasel your way in.
Please don’t. No one wants to hear you talk about “how cray-cray it was when the iPod Touch came out.” And if you start a sing-along version of “Bye, Bye, Bye” and then don’t know a single word of “Gangsta’s Paradise,” your shit will be wrecked.
But, if you must go, here’s some suggestions (*cough* requirements *cough*) for convincing people you remember an ounce of the 1990s.
Step 1: Get it through your head that the early 2000s are NOT the ‘90s
You’re going to have to come to grips with the fact the ‘90s were the best. TV wasn’t shitty. Parents weren’t psycho. They didn’t care where the hell you were if you came home for dinner (and even if they did, it was just so you didn’t waste their food). No one bitched about slow internet, because even having it was practically witchcraft, so you can quit pretending like we were all salty. Also, the music was better. That’s right. We said it, and don’t bother arguing with us about it, because you’re wrong.
Step 2: Now that we’ve straightened that out…
…sit your ass down on the couch, open up YouTube, and type in any of the shows on this list. As a bonus, see if you can track down a Baby Bottle Pop. Even better, find yourself a Wonderball, preferably a real ‘90s one with plastic toys in the middle instead of candy (and if we’re lucky you’ll choke on it). Mow down on that bad boy, and feel the sharp pain of everything you missed out on.
Step 3: Don’t even think about using the words lit, woke, or bae
Aiiight, look. This weekend is going to be fly, and if you think it’s not, then you’re trippin’. It’ll be dope. You can try and diss it all you want, but… as if! And if you were confused by any of that lingo then congrats! You are definitely not a ‘90s kid, and will fail miserably this weekend. Whoop, there it is!
Step 4: Resist the urge to wear a choker
No matter what happens, do not put that thing on your neck! You know how things start out as kind of cool, and then everyone and their grandma is doing it? Case in point. Instead of doing the most obvious thing possible, try finding as much denim in your closet as you can, and wear it all at once. Maybe even take a pair of scissors to it. If you show up in a choker, odds are its name will be put to use.
Step 5: When all else fails, run to the boys’ section at Walmart
You can pretty much close your eyes and just grab a shirt. Odds are it’ll be a ‘90s reference, since half of their t-shirts are either Pokémon or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. And on the upside, the other half are Star Wars, so you’ll have a kickass shirt either way. You can still wear it, because everyone likes Star Wars. Plus, the worst one was released in 1999, so, points for irony. We can at least muster a shred of respect for that.
So there. If you’re not a ‘90s kid, and you’re trying to go crawl your way through Madison this weekend, please for Christ’s sake take this to heart. You better hope you’ve done your homework (and have a decent fake I.D.), because if not, we will know. And probably give you lots of shit for it. Poser.
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