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Course Evaluations: How to Tear Your Professor a New Asshole


Finally, the best time of the semester! Eval time is great if you super-duper with whip cream and sprinkles and cherries and fudge and caramel drizzle on top, absolutely, love-to-death your adorable professor with all their quips and references to Breaking Bad (“oh, prof, it’s so cute how you’re just slightly culturally behind all your students; I’ll catch you up on Lost over coffee later!”)


BUT, eval time is even sweeter if you’ve been dealing with a colossal, raging asshole from hell for the last 4 months. It’s time to teach that son of a bitch professor “what you liked least about the course overall” was having to stare at their ugly, smug mug for 3 hours every week.


Evaluations start out very tedious; the same demographic questions are on top of all of them, and you may get so bored you’re persuaded to skip this part. Do NOT, by any means, miss filling in one section of an eval! They can’t use them if the personal info isn’t all there. And as for the other sections—they will not take your eloquently worded critique of that jerk-face to heart unless it really looks like you were seriously trying on all the sections. So just bear with us through the copious, monotonous shit.


Next comes multiple choice. This section’s not great, since the worst you can do is strongly disagree—we DON’T suggest writing your own answers or changing the questions. While only a wordsmith for-the-ages would think to cross out ‘hip,’ to form “the instructor effectively demonstrated the relationship between class concepts,” is hilarious, unfortunately Scantron machines are stupid and only understand bubbles, so your quick wit is futile.


Finally: short answer. Our time to shine! Jump right to the instructor section; if you answer the questions in order you may begin to think about the class too much. Wrong! Keep your anger focused on your target and dig in. If you puss out now, you’re just as bad as your professor thinking they can mumble through lectures without posting slides, flood your schedule with pointless zero-credit check-off assignments, and call you a dimwit in office hours for asking a question that was already covered in one of their notorious 16 page emails. Your professor has no right to be an asshole when the textbook, assignments, and lecture topics are all completely detached from each other and don’t relate to anything on the exams.  And you being a merciful samaritan could have forgiven it all if the class was actually graded fairly, but no, your professor decided that a 50% average without a curve was good enough for their class. Their fate is now sealed… maybe… because hopefully everyone else in the class finds them equaling insufferable, and let’s not even get into the possibility of professor tenure.


And for the final touch, volunteer to hand-in the forms to the office afterwards. That way you can quickly look through and sort out any semi-positive comments. There’s no room for ‘the professor was mediocre at best,” or “the course wasn’t completely terrible.” You need to ream this good-for-nothing bastard for all it’s worth. Sliding a tube of Preparation H into the eval envelope is probably a good idea too.


And finally, as fun as writing a bad eval can be, make sure you check rate my professor next semester so you can avoid this entire mess a second time.


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