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Daily Scoop Now Featuring Performance Enhancing Ice Cream

This year’s March Madness was, to put it bluntly, sad. It was painful, but it’s over, and we can all learn from it. And Badger athletics is not taking the tough season lying down. They are teaming up with one of the most iconic establishments on campus to make certain this never happens again.

The Daily Scoop, UW-Madison’s famous ice cream shop has released a new product in an attempt to restore victory to the Badgers. That’s right, Performance Enhancing Ice Cream can now be found across campus.

The flavor, “Blood, Sweat, and Tears,” was introduced to athletes last weekend. According to confectioners at Babcock Hall, the flavor has been in the works for several months. Scoops go for $19.51 each, and cones are a little extra.

“Yes, it is slightly pricier than some of our traditional flavors, but only marginally. We have not found that the price has hindered purchases. Turns out, despite declining budgets, the athletes are doing juuuuuuust fine.”

Johnathan Daines, a junior on the UW-Madison Track and Field team, said, “It tastes like absolute shit, but I didn’t practice once all winter, and managed a personal record our first meet, so I’m going to keep eating it.” We asked a Daily scoop employee what the ice cream is actually made of that gives it such a repulsive flavor. “We aren’t at liberty to divulge that information,” he said, twisting the carton’s title from view.

Although athletes are running to the Daily Scoop in flocks, sports officials across the country are concerned about the effects. We spoke with Big Ten football referee, John Hamlin, about the issue. “Dependence is the biggest worry we have with the new flavor. Ice cream is already addicting enough. Tell me, when was the last time you voluntarily stopped eating it? Exactly.” 

He went on to discuss the unfair treatment of specialized-diet athletes. “As of right now, there is no lactose-free option for students with an allergy, giving an unfair advantage to some athletes over others.”

Next semester many professors are expected to add ice cream-related clauses to their syllabi that will include testing for the ice cream prior to test day using any means necessary. Furthermore, NCCA administration is scrambling to formulate standards for its use, but Babcock Ice Cream is not concerned and is working to put their product in stores across the nation.

“Look, let’s be frank. We are getting budget cuts left and right. I reckon that if we didn’t produce world famous ice cream, the entire Dairy Sciences Department would have been eliminated already. Now is not the time to be turning away additional revenue,” said Kent Weigel, chair of the Dairy Sciences Department.

Because of the uncertainty surrounding the future of “Blood, Sweat, and Tears,” many athletes are forking over hundreds of dollars to stock up. One athlete said, “I can win games and darty at the same time. What more could a person want?”

 

Like booze before noon? So do these guys…

 

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