Madison cold is a unique breed that forces us all to question our will to live. Wind that rips your face off, ice that sneaks up on you like finals week, and sleet that sends your car into an endless spiral of doom. And it’s all back to kick our asses. If you think you’re in for a rough time, try being a creature that lacks perception, self-awareness and all logical reasoning. Case in point: the dartier.
According to dartier expert Clark Enders, “Dartiers shut down after fall football season ends, and they remain in a state of hibernation until t-shirt weather returns.” During the uncharacteristically warm weekend Madison recently experienced, dartiers could be seen throughout the city and on campus fumbling through keg ball tournaments and leaving welts on each other with cornhole bags.
Experts suspect that when dartiers first leave their state of hibernation, they drink so much that if cold weather rolls back in, they can’t tell. “Dartiers are not the most intelligent creatures, and they cannot differentiate between a warm spell and spring actually arriving,” Enders explains. “Often, dartiers will even rid their closets of winter gear at the first sign of sunlight, leaving them to freeze their asses off till the lakes thaw.”
The largest concern is that early onset dartying will push dartiers to exhaustion before football season returns. Badger Football Head Coach, Paul Chryst, said, “This poses a huge risk for the Badgers come game day. With no dartiers to cheer us on, it is possible that we may revert to the 1990s Badgers, and even lose the axe [to Minnesota].” At this, Coach Chryst could not contain his laughter, and we were forced to end the interview.
With the sudden whiplash of cold weather resettling in the area a lot of concern has been placed on the lives of dartiers. But preparing the general population for the increase in dartier activity has been a difficult task. Eric Bowers, DNR Director of the Dartier Division, describes the efforts in place. “We have taken extreme measures to ensure that all citizens are doing their part to keep dartiers safe. We advise that citizens try to help any stragglers back inside or give them a jacket to place over their Hawaiian shirt. Dartiers cannot control their actions, and may need to be subdued should an unwanted exchange occur between them and a resident.
The last thing we want to do is lower the dartier population. Also, we ask drivers to be extra cautious on the roads, as the young partiers seem to be unaware of even the most basic traffic laws.”
The rise in dartier activity has gotten so severe that some Madisonians are willing to skip right over summer just to put them back at bay, and hope to protect the lives of all dartiers.
WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.