Here in the ecosystem of UW-Madison, we see a vast diversity of student species, and each species has claimed a piece of campus as their territory that they will protect and defend. The Black Sheep decided to do some scientific research to pinpoint the habits and behaviors of different UW majors around campus, specifically where they do their studying and ultimately descend into misery. These are our very scientific results.
Engineering: Wendt Library
Wendt Library, for those students who don’t know, is essentially a pit of despair that engineers have fallen into and have spent centuries attempting to escape, with little success. Students often find that after a long day of studying, they start to become one with their dismal surroundings, and we’ve deduced that the walls are actually filled with former engineers who couldn’t escape. The aesthetic of Wendt would not be the same without the silently suffering engineers who inhabit it.
Here, we have a poor, starving music major struggling in the wild jungle of the real world. They have laid their body and trumpet on the floor in defeat. They spend a majority of their time in this state, vulnerable to the outside world. In the nightmare that is Humanities, however, they have found a safe space. If only for a little while. (so that’s what those little hollow parts in the walls are for!
It’s every man or woman for his or herself in the world of pre-med. Students have to defend their own little plot of land they typically refer to as “labs.” We are continuing to conduct research to bring you exact results, but we can report that pre-med students spend an average of 62.4 hours per week scouring ancient anatomy texts and scribbling trees worth of notecards. Food is optional for pre-med students, and we are completely fucking mystified by how this is possible. They can’t do photosynthesis because they never see the sun, so we’re at an absolute loss on the science behind this. We’ll leave it to the pre-med students to figure out.
J-School students are a very different breed. These students are scavengers. They have no one place to call home because the ancient ruin of Vilas is the biggest pile of garbage building in the ecosystem. When students leave the cement trash heap, they disperse to local area coffee shops. While many flock to the geographically sensible Coffee Bytes, others scour campus until they arrive at State Street. At any given time, at any given coffee shop, you will find a J-Schooler diddling on InDesign, writing leads or explaining to a fellow classmate the difference between Journalism and Strategic Communication.
B-School: B-School Library
In stark contrast to bottom-of-the-food-chain J-Schoolers, we have the mighty students of the Business School. Their home is pristine and students feel that they have a home to tout their never-failing “business casual” wardrobe with pride. These guys are the arachnids of the UW Kingdom. Their home is a confusing web that is entrancing, yet impossible to navigate, and when you enter the B-School Library, it’s clear they drew you in so they could eat you. This is scientific fact.
No matter what your territory is, we hope you defend it well and survive through this upcoming finals season. The future may look grim, but at least you fit into a place and have somewhere to call home. Our best advice at this point is to join up with your brethren so at least you won’t suffer alone.
Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to the Year in Review episode of our podcast!