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How Different UW Majors Pull All-Nighter: An Examination

We’re in that sweet time of the year where self loathing, stress, and perpetual mental breakdowns all come to a crux. In one word: finals. Professors, much like the House of Stark in Westeros, have been warning all of us of their impending arrival. In reality, Badgers just thought they had more time (at least 6-7 seasons). Now, they pay their own consequences, depending on what area they’re studying. Let’s take a look at what each major at UW’s all-nighter looks like:

The sad souls stuck in the depths of Wendt studying the, to quote Good Will Hunting, “Equations and shit on the walls.” We can estimate they’ve been there for about three days, as is evident in the several QQ’s and Toppers boxes, and one Pizza Pit box, strewn about their table.

They’re three Red Bulls deep, with no end in sight. The sad thing is, there really isn’t an alternate way when their finals can involve working on one question for an entire hour, just to find that their answer isn’t even one of the available options.

Apparently the B-school isn’t all suits, pant suits, and saying, “The Economy,” with at least a bit more authority than Andy from Parks and Rec. Instead it’s all of that, at Grainger. Studying for finals as a business major means hanging in the fancy building for as long as you can ’til you’re kicked out for a function for the “One Percent.”

These peeps study for accounting, finance, and to definitely not get caught for insider trading. On the off chance they do end up getting busted for some Gordon Gekko type shit, at the very least they can hopefully remember not to say they’re a Badger alumni.

Pre-Med & Pre-Law:
For many Badgers, finals are as bad as it gets. Four years of hell and they’re good. But, for pre-law and pre-med Badgers, the road ahead is a bleak hellscape, and there is little room for error before it. They must band together in order to survive. Their studying has become a ritual, they gather in the lobby of College Library around 8 p.m., pray to their ancestors (who no doubt were also pre-med/law) for strength, and descend into darkness for the next 12 hours.

They have a constant espresso pick-line hooked in, just to prepare themselves for their halftime absinthe shot to keep them going– they don’t mess around. So as difficult as your slate of finals may be, take solace in not being in the same boat as these sad souls. If you do happen upon one of the sad sacks in this category, wish them, “godspeed and good luck,” and don’t look them directly in the eyes.

Letters & Sciences Majors:
Finals are what remind these lucky bastards that they’re in college. It pulls them back from the reality of procrastination, onto the planet that every other major has struggled upon all semester long. They’re the ones rolling in at 7 p.m. with a luke-warm Starbucks Vanilla Chocolate Whipped Mocha-de-cino.

They stay till their laptop battery, which started off at 27%, dies leaving them with nothing with which to procrastinate. Not to worry, though, a reality check will come around when they realize the TA they’ve come to hate, may very well be a glimpse into their future.

Best of luck on your respective journeys into hell, Badgers. At the very least, it’ll distract you from all the disappointment and immense, immense, such immense rage that stems from you know…that thing that happened this weekend. Not thinking about it, not thinking about it. Just going to close out on a light note…THE DAMN TURF GUY HAD BETTER AIM THAN THAT! FORGIVE US FOR NOT BEATING MIGHTY MERCER UNIVERSITY ON OUR WAY TO THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYOFF. Okay, we’re fine. We’re all fine. Study on.

Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to our podcast with Twitter’s @Rad_Milk!

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