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UW’s ‘Dogs on Call’ Are Now Stressed Thanks to You

The final stretch of the semester is upon us, which means that we will be plagued by papers and exams. “Fun” times ahead, as many of our professors would say. Luckily, this stressful period will be alleviated by Dogs on Call, a UW campus volunteer organization in which owners exploit their pups to make college students feel momentarily better. The events are often held at Gordon’s Dining Center or at various residence halls to maximize students’ access to the dogs. Here, the dogs feign joy because they simply have no other option. Max, a two-year-old beagle speaking on behalf of all Dogs on Call dogs, explained the sentiment to The Black Sheep.

“I didn’t even have a say in the matter. One day my owner just throws me in the kennel and I’m shuttled off to some smelly wasteland called Sellery. Next thing I know, all these college kids are shambling towards me, and they start petting me. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good tummy rub as much as any dog, but getting pet by fifteen hands at once is a bit like spending time in a mosh pit. And more often than not, these people haven’t even washed their hands after going to the bathroom. And you wonder why I didn’t accept that doggie treat from you.

“The absolute worst part is when someone breaks down crying while they’re petting me— and this has happened to me more than once. It’s not my fault that I look just like your dog at home or that you just failed your chemistry midterm. I could honestly care less about either of them. So, kindly pet me and move on without the waterworks, please.”

When asked about her experiences with Dogs on Call, UW-Madison junior, Alexis Smith, explained the positive impact the organization has had on her throughout her college career. “There’s something about the dogs’ pure enthusiasm for life and devotion to others that never fails to improve my mood. Dogs on Call has helped me get through the stresses of college countless times.”

When Max was told of Smith’s reaction to Dogs on Call, he was quick to respond. “More than anything else, I resent being used just for stress relief at certain times of the year. I’d like to see how you would deal with the endless amount of despair that is continuously projected on me. How come the students never ask about my story and my stresses? I’m not there solely to please. It’s not that easy to wag it all off. I’m seriously considering a career change.”

At press time, Max was spotted wagging his tail with a dead look in his eyes as a group of students approached him.

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