MADISON, Wis. – A fifth year senior killed his last brain cell with a Wando’s fishbowl Wednesday. Eyewitnesses state that Rodney Novak drank the blue-raspberry fishbowl and entered a coma right before bar close.
Novak, age 23, approaches the end of his 10th semester as a Communication Arts major. Known by one of his professors as “That Dipshit in the Back?”, Novak reportedly attends Wando’s fishbowl nights just as frequently as his classes.
Friends of Novak claim he planned on getting more “lit” than usual that night by pouring alcohol into every orifice of his body.
“You ever see a guy butt chug hand sanitizer behind a dumpster? No? Then you ain’t ever gone out with my pal Rodney the night before a midterm,” said longtime friend, Dylan Gutzmann. “He drinks like Langdon girls use spray tan: excessively.”
Wando’s bartender Chris Setzke admitted that he might have “jazzed up” the fishbowl with a dead beetle from the fryers. “Hey, the guy came to me in a time of need. His parents recently got back together, which apparently cut his Christmas presents by half. He said, ‘Listen guy, I need something that’ll knock me back to freshmen year; I can’t graduate yet!’”
Novak’s Phi Delta Theta fraternity brothers held a special ceremony for their “vegetative homie” in the backyard of their estate Thursday evening. Sources report seeing the fraternity sacrifice a pledge in Novak’s honor.
“Yea dude, Rodney was our brother you know? Gosh, it’s a bummer. I really needed him to pull through for Beer Olympics,” said Phi Delta Theta member, Frank Werner.
Neurologists were surprised by the potency of the fishbowl that ultimately finished off Novak’s parents’ last hope at his degree.
“It really is exquisite, the way his once mildly-functioning brain was toppled by blue raspberry and cheap liquor,” stated Dr. John Walter, a neuro expert at UW. “When it comes to fishbowls, we typically only see extreme cases of intoxication and whiskey dick.”
Novak’s biopsy showed that in addition to alcohol, tobacco and marijuana, he also experimented heavily with chicken nuggets. “We’ll be hooking him up to an IV, supplying his body with a steady stream of Natural Light to keep him alive until his cognitive functions return,” said Dr. Ned Beardmore of UW Hospital.
Experts predict— and UW’s Tuition Office hopes— that Novak may recover just in time for his 11th semester.
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