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UW Fun-Sucking Committee Says ‘F*** It,’ Changes Homecoming Game Start to 7 AM

With UW’s Homecoming this week it’s impossible for students, past and present, to not be getting excited about the weekend festivities – especially the football game. The university has been pumping students with free food, merch, and events to get them ready for the main event on Saturday, yet are purposefully booze-blocking students with an early game time. Kickoff is at 11 a.m., which doesn’t sound too detrimental, yet factoring in the crucial and unmissable art that is tailgating, students will need to be up and ready well before 8 a.m. to properly pregame to Bucky’s standards.

The early game time is an effort to hinder pre-gaming the game, so university officials are taking their fun-sucking abilities to new heights and throwing back the start time to 7:30 a.m., to keep the kids, “sober and smart.”

“Football games are a better and safer event when students are attentive and aware of their surroundings, and an early start time is necessary for that,” says head of student section security, Mark Hart. “Besides, they came here to watch the game. The game.”

Hart has been working with the Camp Randall security department for eight years, and was just promoted prior to this season. Hart is very passionate about his duties and wants to, “make the student section great again.” His other ideas when coming to this position were to simply build a wall between college students and alcohol.

“Oh yeah, it will work,” says Hart, “and it’s gonna be huge!”

Students are enraged at this announcement of an earlier start time, and have voiced their opinions strongly.

“It’s completely unfair,” says sophomore and political science major, Timothy Cole. “I can’t even make it to my 8:50 class. How do they expect us to wake up and get to the game by 7:30? We’d have to wake up at 3 in the morning to start drinking.”

Cole’s opinions are shared by the rest of the student body, who are collectively saying to the university: “Eat shit, fuck you.” Although students are enraged, they are not completely deterred.

Junior, Derrick Pratt, agrees with the consensus, but doesn’t think it will get in the way of a normal Badger game day.

“I’m just not going to bed. Yeah, it’s gonna suck ass, but it’s just what’s gotta happen,” says Pratt. “It’s not a matter of want, but a matter of need – which is what college is all about. Do I want to take calculus? No, but I need it to graduate. Do I want to stay at my College Works job? No, but I got sucked into the pyramid. Do I want to drink wop at 5 a.m.? No, but I need to do it for Bucky.”

Pratt is clearly an inspiring voice for the student body, and is leading the collective to hop on board with him and stay up all night in order to properly prepare for the early morning game.

“We’ll be chugging Four Lokos at least once every hour,” Pratt concludes with his fellow fraternity brothers.

It appears that even though UW officials made an attempt to hinder drinking before games, they have actually lit a fire under students to take up a new game day tradition: having their Friday nights and Saturday mornings blend together. University officials can hate, but Badgers will acclimate. Happy Homecoming.

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