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Madison Girl Scouts Gain Interest of UW Business School

UW-Madison is losing money left and right. Their budget is like a drunken night out: you spend money on whatever the hell happens to be in front of you at the time, and then wake up the next day with an empty wallet and a grimy layer of shame covering your whole body. You proceed to Google how much money you can make for different parts of your body: blood, sperm— maybe a kidney? However, the business school has checked the couch cushions of Madison and found some extra revenue hidden in its cracks.

The UW Business School has initiated a new program that will begin recruiting Girl Scouts from their parent-supervised kiosks around UW’s campus for early admission to the school. The idea for the program came while business school Dean, François Ortalo-Magné, was doing his personal bills. “I noticed a huge sum of money missing from my account. Since I’m so busy doing business-y things, I had my people look into it. Turns out, I spent over $1,200 on Girl Scout cookies last month!”

After this realization, the Dean, not at all discouraged by his inability to control his Girl Scout cookie consumption, immediately instated the new program, rightfully named The Business Brownies. It allows all Girl Scouts that sell cookies within a mile radius of campus immediate admission into the Business School.

One professor commented, “I think the program has brought some of the highest achieving businesswomen to our campus. We have diversified our school and besides, they are just so darn cute!”

Students have responded differently. “I don’t want those leeches in my classes,” said Johnathan Helton, a junior in the business school. “I can’t even get groceries without being terrorized by these little cookie-selling cockroaches, now I have to do group projects with them? Bullshit. And you’d think they’d share a box of cookies with you. Hah! All that got me was a huge lecture about how there are no favors in business.”

Another student, Kelly Durnkist, commented that since the program’s first admittees have joined, “the class average has gone through the roof and the curve is completely fucked up.” As one Girl Scout walked past, the student yelled, “that’s right! I said the ‘F’ word! What are you going to do, go tell your mommy?”

Some students have taken advantage of their new class members. “I hate to admit it, but I definitely sit by them during exams if you know what I mean,” explained one student, who chose to remain anonymous.

“I’ve even started sewing Girl Scout badges to all my clothes, just to get on my professors’ good sides.”

The head of business school admissions stated that the dean has asked that tuition for the program be paid in either Thin Mints, Tagalongs, or Samoas.


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