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Graphs that Accurately Describe Life at UW-Madison

The lives of UW students have been an enigma for so long. Many hours of research and testing later, The Black Sheep is proud to give you this special report. Through complex algorithms, of which track comparisons the conscious mind may not even be aware of, we were able to dig into what being a Badger is all about.

driving

 Street Parking in Madison might just be worse than any other Wisconsin city, and it doesn’t help that parking tickets are upwards of $35. When cruising around Mifflin past 8 p.m., pedestrians should just know that they better drive out of your way because you keep a bottle of Windex in your glove box for just such an occasion.

froshwisco

We’re pretty sure that the sole purpose of the dens in Witte and Sellery are to provide drunk freshmen an area to sling bullshit about all the ragers they totally get invited to.

juniors

It’s crazy how fast the students mature at UW: one day you’re waiting in line at a Keystone Light keg and the next you’re waiting to order a whiskey sour at Whiskey Jacks.

one-night-stand

“We understand this is just a casual visit to UHS. Always good to get weekly check-ups every Sunday morning, that’s completely normal. Cute dress btw; it’s a little short and tight for church, but to each their own.”-Absent Minded UHS Professional. Interestingly enough, after about 20 embarrassing visits, people seem to stop caring. Or perhaps by that point they can spot an STI carrier from a mile away. Or perhaps by that time they have all the STDs so they don’t even bother testing for them. It’s really anybody’s guess.

randall

Slowly sobering up in the hot sun, tipping her head back to keep from yacking all over her overalls, Janet trembled in concentration, trying to remember if she was in section O or not. She didn’t want to not do the O with her arms and look like a total freshman, but she also didn’t want to do the arm O if she was in section N and look like a total freshman. There was obviously a lot on her mind for 11 a.m. on a Saturday.

tke

And a fine basement it is… ladies?

grainger

Oh, don’t try to lie and say you haven’t talked in the quiet section. It’s really no wonder when the b-school professors’ hand out group projects with the same speed and ignorance as every 2002 doctor that prescribed Ritalin to any kid that twiddled his thumbs in class. 

bascom

Finally, it comes down to this. Should you give up your dreams of being a famous philosopher solely because Bascom Hall is a bitch to get to? Probably. And if you’re not questioning your own mortality by the time you reach the top, there’s something wrong with you. We’re calling it: steroids. We’re really just worried about your health.

 

We hope our research has enlightened you on what it means to be a Badger at this highly prestigious and, at times, somewhat ratchet university.

 

Are you worried your college apartment will be nicer than your adult one? Well, you’re probably right…

 
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